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Politics / Humor - Boston City Hall is so ugly...
Boston City Hall was named by the Web site, VirtualTourist.com as the world’s ugliest building. But don’t despair. It doesn’t take much to turn an awful edifice into a sassy structure. For example:
- Replace the roof with a wooden shingle comb-over.
- Install curtains in the Memino Rumpus Room.
- Audition for the reality show, “Trading Municipal Spaces.”
- Hire a structural therapist to help BCH feel better about itself.
- If all fails, get an estimate from the guy who works on Joan Rivers.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - What a difference a different administration makes
How will President Obama's White House be different from President Bush's? Here are just a few ways.
- The president's personal security code will be changed from one to ten digits.
- Daily security briefings will no longer be delivered by hand puppets.
- Barbecued Fluffernutters will no longer be served at state dinners.
- The president will no longer be asked to step out of the room every time the vice
president has something important to say.
- The ban on head-of-state visitors with hard-to-pronounce names will be lifted.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - It's not a Barack lock
Barack Obama may be leading in most polls, but anything can happen during these last hours before the final vote. Here are just a few ways he could lose.
- An ill-advised pledge to pardon O.J. Simpson
- The premature introduction of his Treasury Secretary, George Soros
- A proposal to replace the Pledge of Allegiance with the fist bump
- The revelation that Barck Obama's aunt, who's been living illegally in the United States in a Boston public housing project, has also been collecting a disability pension for the time she worked as a prison matron at the Hanoi Hilton.
- A surprise attack of dyslexia during a speech, resulting in: "Stupid, it's the economy!"
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Tips for undecided voters
Dear Undecided Voters,
I realize it’s nearly impossible to choose a president based on only watching candidates campaign for 20 months. So here is some advice that will help make your decision easier.
- Think of one candidate as boxers and the other briefs.
- Chances are you'll never have a beer with either candidate, anyway.
- Barack Obama is the black one. John McCain is the old one.
- Not having a full grasp of the facts never stopped Sarah Palin from being decisive.
- Pretend that guy who always stands behind you in fast food restaurants screaming, "Will you please make up your mind!" is standing behind you in the voting booth screaming, "Will you please make up your mind!"
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - John McCain, I don't need no stinkin' McCain!
John McCain's presidential hopes may be sinking into the sunset. Perhaps it's time to contemplate a Sarah Palin presidential campaign in 2012. Here's just a little of what we can expect.
- I'm pleased to introduce my running mate, Joe the Plumber.
- Even people who believe global warming exists have to admit Alaska grows a great pineapple.
- Our daughter Bristol has chosen to keep her seventh child and will marry the Anchorage branch of Hell's Angels.
- I will not have unconditional talks with the governor of any Blue State.
- What do we really know about President Obama?
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - It ain’t over till the bloggers get carpal tunnel syndrome
If you think Barack Obama has this election wrapped up, think again. There are countless ways he could lose. Here are just a few.
- Joe Biden accepts a free sports coat from the Men’s Warehouse.
- John McCain retains the same economic position for more than 18 hours.
- Todd Palin accidentally runs over Osama bin Laden with his snow machine.
- During Obama’s 30-minute campaign television special, Bea Arthur reminisces about the night she and Bill Ayers shared a sleeping bag at Woodstock.
- Michelle Obama announces that if her husband wins the election Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will no longer be one of her Facebook friends.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor
Edward Pinkney, a 60-year-old minister in Michigan, is running for Congress from prison where he is serving time for election fraud and other charges. His campaign slogan is: "This really isn’t as bad as it looks.”
Pinkney's supporters have been urged to attend next week's rally / breakout.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor
The Republican National Committee has spent over $150,000 to clothe and accessorize Sarah Palin This coincides with the announcement of her proposed economic stimulus package: Shop till you drop.
Palin’s biggest expense? Designer glasses that give her mind a narrower look.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Tinklenberg Tinklenberg Rising Star
What kind of election year has this been? It's been the kind of year where a Democratic congressional candidate named Elwyn Tinklenberg has a shot at beating a conservative incumbent in America's heartland.
Campaign donations have been flooding in to former Blaine, Minnesota Mayor Tinklenberg since his opponent, Republican Rep. Michelle Bachmann's McCarthy-esque interview with Chris Mathews on “Hardball.”
Forget about the magnitude of electing a black man named Barack Hussein Obama as president. Electing anybody named Elwyn Tinklenberg to anything is a far greater achievement. An Elwyn Tinklenberg for Student Council Secretary poster could not stay taped to a high school corridor wall for 15 seconds.
Tinklenberg actually has a chance of being elected to the United States Congress where he will be able to stand, like may of his predecessors, and proudly proclaim: “I was not influenced by the millions of dollars I accepted from the Chinese Lead Toy industry. How dare anyone besmirch the good Tinklenberg name!”
Maybe the country isn't ready for a President Elwyn Tinklenberg, but nerdy kids all over America now have a role model they can look up to -- while enduring their tenth wedgie of the day.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - If you have to ask “how much,” you can’t afford to get elected
Barack Obama raised $150 million in September. How will he spend it? Here are a few suggestions.
- The 2009 Lexus “Change We Can believe In” limited edition
- A solid gold, diamond-encrusted thank you note for Colin Powel
- Free HBO for every voter
- One hundred million “God Damn, America’s a Great Place!” bumper stickers
- New hair plugs for Joe Biden
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - The pros and antis of being an America
According to Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann (see video below), the media should investigate liberal members of Congress to “find out if they are pro-America or anti-America.”
This raises an important question: If you are liberal, how do you know if you are pro-America or anti-America. Answering the following questions may help you find an answer.
- Does your food co-op stock organic explosives?
- Have you ever asked a candidate running for office if he or she is an Arab?
- Was Louis Farrakhan the best man at your wedding?
- Do you wear your American flag pin in the shower?
- Did you hold your first Tupperware party at William Ayers’ house?
- Do you think the most important qualification for being vice president is knowing how to skin a moose?
- Have you never forgiven Emma Goldman for not recycling?
- Do you fear Mr. Peanut’s vote will be stolen by Mr. Acorn?
- Do you detest Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher because he’s a stupid lug who isn’t even licensed to snake a toilet?
- Do you love Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher because he’s a stupid lug who isn’t even licensed to snake a toilet?
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Okay, she’s not running for president. But what could we expect from a Sarah Palin presidency?
- ”Uh oh! General Petraeus, winking at you was NOT my signal to attack Russia!”
- ”Why would an intelligent person have to read an Intelligence Report?”
- ”I’m a firm believer in No Child Left Behind. But we also need to focus on the right cheek.”
- ”My fellow Joe Six packs,…”
”You call yourself a Treasury Secretary? Where’s your treasure map?”
Experts believe a national push to register convicted felons to vote could help Barack Obama -- so says the head of the organization, Chain Gangs We Can Believe In.
The Supreme Court begins a new term with cases including a government crackdown on obscene words on television. The case is U.S v. Kiss my #40&?#%&, you *&^%$!
Under pressure to raise money, New York State is contemplating leasing some of its assets to private contractors. Among the items being considered would be the Verizon-Times Square Hookers.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Five things to watch for after the $700 billion bailout is passed:
- The Treasury Department will start printing $1 billion dollar bills.
- John McCain will promise that “if I’m elected president, the $700 billion bucks stop here.”
- Barack Obama will scale back his proposed middle class tax cut to “pocket change we can believe in.”
- Sarah Palin will start talking about God’s financial plan.
- All government correspondences will be printed on old Lehman Brothers stationary.
Democratic Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson is seeking a 10th term even though he’s under indictment for accepting bribes. When asked how he could possibly run for reelection while defending himself, Jefferson said, “Multitasking.”
Neither candidate scored a knockout punch in Friday night’s presidential debate. But give John McCain credit; it’s not easy to debate while your campaign is suspended.
During the debate, John McCain kept saying Barack Obama didn’t understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy. Sarah Palin later emphasized the point by saying a tactic is a tiny mint.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain spent time on Saturday attending his U.S. Naval Academy 50th class reunion. He had such a great time he said he may not even later deny he had a great time.
Sarah Palin will be meeting with Afghan President Hamid Karzai next week in New York. It wasn’t in her original plans, but she couldn’t get tickets to “The Lion King.”
A federal judge ordered Dick Cheney to preserve many of his vice presidential records -- including the location of where he hid the Constitution.
According to a poll, people would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain. This is the first time more people wanted to do anything with a Democrat since they voted Bill Clinton their favorite wing man at a strip club.
President Bush is pushing for Congress to approve a free-trade deal with Colombia -- after which he will propose a federal bailout of the cocaine industry.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Are you concerned that Sarah Palin’s international travel credentials only include trips to Ireland, Germany, Kuwait, Iraq, Mexico, and Canada? Don’t worry. She has international experience coming out the Wasilla!
- In 1997, she led a fact-finding tour to “A Little Bit of Italy Pasta and Propane Trading Post” in Anchorage.
- In 2002, Palin called technical support in India after receiving the wrong insulated lingerie purchased on Fredricks-Of-Permafrost.com.
- In 2003, her helicopter accidentally strayed into international waters while hunting whales with an air-to-surface missile launcher.
- In 2005, she demanded the President of Mexico fire her former brother-in-law’s nephew from the Juno Taco Bell.
- Last year, Gov. Palin pledged to establish diplomatic relations with Candyland.
Barack Obama raised $66 million in August -- an impressive figure until you realize that most Internet contributors thought they were purchasing a male enhancement device.
Congressman Charles Rangel of New York, the chairman of the House tax-writing committee, admitted he owes $5,000 to the IRS after failing to report almost $75,000 in rental income over two decades from a beach house he owns in the Dominican Republic. Rangel apologized but said his err in judgment was not a violation of his Hypocritic oath.
Karl Rove says John McCain’s ads have gone too far. That’s like Amy Winehouse telling someone to lay off the booze.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Sarah Palin’s refusal to talk with the press proves one thing: The less we know about her the more we like her. Does having a talking soccer mom doll (recorded sound bites compliments of Karl Rove) a heart beat away from being the leader of the semi-free world bother you? Not to worry. Consider the following:
- If you're really curious about where she stands on the issues, you can always ask a Bush speech writer.
- Isn’t having one candidate on a ticket answering “I don’t know” to countless questions scary enough?
- What woman wouldn’t mind giving up her right to choose if she knows she can sell her unwanted child on eBay?
- Is there really any difference between knowing something about foreign policy, economics, and healthcare; and knowing how to kill a moose?
- Howard Hughes never talked to the press and he did a pretty good job running the world.
Sarah Palin has electrified the Republican ticket. At their last rally alone, 45 percent of the attendees said they came to see Palin, 20 percent said they came to seen John McCain, and 35 percent came to see an image of the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich.
The widely-circulated Internet photo of Sarah Palin wearing a bikini and holding a rifle turned out to be a fraud. As it turns out, someone else’s head was PhotoShopped on Palin’s body.
Joe Biden said he’s looking forward to debating Sarah Palin. His advisors are already briefing him on PTA trivia and birthin’ babies.
Oprah says she’ll be happy to have Sarah Palin on her show after the election -- along with Jamie Lynn Spears’ mom.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Despite a weak economy, dissatisfaction with the war in Iraq, and an opponent viewed by many Republicans as not even the next Michael Reagan, Barack Obama is not pulling ahead of John McCain in the polls. Here are some possible reasons why he can’t close the deal:
- His campaign slogan is too vague. How about “Spare Change We Can Believe In”?
- Many people still believe he’s a Muslim. Why not split the difference and admit to being Jewish?
- Wife Michelle is perceived as a bit uppity. Assuming Barack can’t shake the Muslim thing, it may be burka time.
- Barack Obama doesn’t have a prisoner of war story, but it’s not too late to make the connection between summer camp and post traumatic stress syndrome.
- It’s possible America is not ready for a black president, but who knows; with Obama’s vast extended family, it might vote for a candidate who is a distant relative of George Hamilton.
Hillary Clinton will get a roll call at the Democratic convention. She denied she was bargaining for anything and said people are already reading too much into the first line of her speech: “This is a nice little convention you got here. It’d be a shame it something happened to it.”
A spokesman for Barack Obama said Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who is facing eight felony charges in a perjury case and two felony charges in an assault case, is not welcome at the Democratic convention in Denver. A disappointed Kilpatrick said he was looking forward to the party’s annual black tie and orange jumpsuit dinner.
President Bush has raised $70 million for the Republican Party this year. That total is expected to grow after he hosts another one of his “No One Will Ever Know You Were in the Same Room With Me” affairs.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John Edwards’s ex-mistress refuses to participate in DNA testing to establish the paternity of her daughter. However, there are other ways to determine if Edwards is the father:
- Is the child naturally drawn to mirrors?
- Does she become increasingly egocentric and narcissistic when she needs a nap?
- Were her first words something about there being two daycare centers?
- Has she asked her mother to build her a 25,000-square-foot nursery?
- Did she request to be burped on “Nightline”?
5 things John Edwards should be thankful for:
- He didn’t meet Rielle Hunter in an airport restroom.
- He can now throw caution to the wind and switch cream rinses.
- Things could have been much worse; he could’ve gone with Paris Hilton’s videographer.
- He can now use his real picture on Match.com
- There will always be desperate single women who will fall for his “Can I borrow your hair brush?” line.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
This week in the continuing saga of “Some of My Best Friends are Presidential Candidates," John McCain accused Barack Obama of playing the race card. How can Obama, once and for all, get the race issue behind him? Here are some suggestions:
• Announce he is vetting David Duke
• Join James Dobson in San Francisco for Dobson’s yearly book and leather thong burning rally
• More appearances with loyal American country western singers -- or loyal American country western singer's drug suppliers
• Distance himself from all radical African Americans -- including Booker T. Washington
• Trade wife Michelle for Marie Osmond
A federal judge ruled that President Bush’s top advisers cannot ignore subpoenas issued by Congress -- once again discrediting President Bush’s “My dog ate my subpoena” argument.
Barack Obama now says he would be in favor of some offshore oil drilling if it was part of a broader energy package -- or as he's now calling it: a changed position we can believe in.
Barack Obama is refusing to go along with John McCain’s challenge for several Lincoln-Douglas-style debates saying, “It’s not fair. Unlike my opponent, I never met Lincoln or Douglas.”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama attracting a crowd of more than 200,000 people is impressive. To put it in perspective, here are the only ways John McCain could draw an audience as large:
• Watch John McCain attempt to jump the Snake River Canyon in his Straight Talk Express!
• John McCain’s Early Bird Special of the Century: All the Au Gratin Potatoes You Can Eat!
• Listen to John McCain speak and win a free iPhone!
• Tonight, John McCain talks about buying real estate with no money down!
• John McCain and Madonna like you’ve never seen them!
The Russian Foreign Ministry criticized President Bush for equating Nazi fascism with Soviet communism. Bush responded by noting, “Hey, I’m not the one who voted for Adolph Stalin.”
Barack Obama said he’ll base his choice of vice president on the ability to govern, not geography. A disappointed Senator Evan Bayh said, “Damn, I just spent the past month memorizing state capitols!”
In his party's weekly radio address, Democratic Sen. Jack Reed said America can’t afford to write “blank check after blank check” to pay for the Iraq war. He added, “We need those blank checks to pay for farm subsidies.”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
By now you’re familiar with the New Yorker cover depicting Barack and Michelle Obama as radical Muslims -- the fist bumping, the burning flag in the fireplace, Michelle’s Afro hairstyle and ammo belt, and so on. A closer look, however, reveals even more insidious items.
• A lapel on Obama’s robe with no American flag pin
• A rug vacuumed by an undocumented Guatemalan maid
• A note reminding President Obama of his meeting with Secretary of State Michael Moore
• A chair which in 20 minutes will contain a restrained Jesse Jackson begging to keep his testicles
• An exorbitant $4.50 price for newsstands and anyone who has recited the Pledge of Allegiance within the past 24 hours
While in Michigan, John McCain pledged to help rebuild the auto industry -- even if it means rebuilding it in Mexico.
A groundbreaking interfaith conference held in Madrid ended on a sour note when the Muslims and Jews could not agree from which delicatessen to order lunch.
President Bush has agreed upon a time “horizon" for bringing more troops back from Iraq. He added, “Horizon is the best plan, although we could’ve gotten free HBO with Comcast.”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama’s progressive supporters are feeling nervous and disappointed about their man’s drift to the center. Drastic measures are needed to left his boat. Here are a few suggestions:
• Get an “I ♥ Noam Chomsky” tattoo
• Promise to appoint a Secretary of Composting
• Play at least one game of Ultimate Frisbee with Keith Olbermann
• Pledge to blog at least one State of the Union address
• Confess to having indecent thoughts about Arianna Huffington
Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, has endorsed Barack Obama. The McCain Campaign immediately announced their candidate had been endorsed by Miss 13 Colonies.
John McCain strongly disagreed with his economic advisor, former Texas Senator Phil Graham, who called Americans “whiners” for complaining about the economy. As a matter of precaution, McCain also said he disagreed with for his homeless orphans advisor.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain has been endorsed by one of his Vietnamese jailors during his five-year imprisonment at the “Hanoi Hilton.” McCain also has been endorsed by the group, “Bataan Death March Guards for Truth.”
Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton will have a series of fundraisers in New York next week. Each Obama and Clinton event will follow a steel-cage death match between “Macho Man” Randy Savage and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin,
Barack Obama spent the Fourth of July with his family in Montana – a favorite vacation spot for Muslim presidential candidates who refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
Fighting to get his campaign in gear, John McCain said, “This is a tough race. We are behind. We are the underdog. That's what I like to be.” McCain also reminded reporters his best pickup line as a teenager was, “I have no money. I have bad breath. I have a small penis. Would you like to have sex in my VW Bug?”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
In the first major pronouncement on gun rights in U.S. history, the Supreme Court ruled that Americans have a right to own guns for self-defense and hunting. Here are just some of the wonderful ways this ruling will affect your life:
• Disputes can now be easily settled with pistols at 20 paces.
• “Pop a cap in your ass” moves from urban phrase to a team-building exercise.
• The five justices who voted in favor of this ruling now have something else to play with under their robes.
• Lower ratio of mullets to guns.
• New express line at Wal-Mart: 10 Weapons or Fewer.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will make their first joint campaign appearance in Unity, New Hampshire, although Clinton had first suggested Chilmark, Massachusetts.
When asked about bringing back the military draft, John McCain said, “I don't know what would make a draft happen unless we were in an all-out World War III.” In which case, all young men and woman would be required to scour the nuclear rubble for their local draft board.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain has come up with a sure-fire way to solve our energy crisis: He has proposed a $300 million prize to anyone who can develop a technologically-advanced battery capable of powering a car or George Foreman cooking device. But why stop there? There are so many other problems that could be solved with cash prizes:
• $600 million to the first person who can lead the entire Middle East in a sing-along version of “What the World Needs Now is Love”
• $200 million to end illegal immigration by convincing unemployed stockbrokers to pick lettuce, bus tables, and clean toilets
• $800 million to develop a giant dehumidifier capable of drying out the Midwest
• $500 million to invent a way of cloning rich people willing to bail out any relative who took out a subprime loan
• $1 trillion to invent a health care payment that’s less painful than the procedure it’s paying for
John McCain and Barack Obama spent the weekend arguing over whose heart went out the most for Midwest flood victims. Obama was building a comfortable lead in concerned hugs until someone stole his wallet.
A 22-year-old Miami Beach man, who somehow got a $298 million Pentagon contract to supply ammunition to the Afghan army, was charged with fraud after it was learned he delivered defective Chinese gun cartridges that were more than 40 years old. He said he hopes prosecutors take into consideration he was also holding down a part-time job at Starbucks.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama has launched a Web site to dispel rumors about him and his wife. Among them:
• He earned his Harvard Law School tuition by working as an Arthur Murray dance instructor.
• Michelle Obama plays a secret game with her children each night that begins with “This little honky went to market.”
• His first act as president will be to award Yemen an NBA franchise.
• “The Audacity of Hope” is Louis Farrakhan’s ATM pin code.
• Michelle Obama’s real middle name is Trotsky.
Less than a month after declaring polar bears an endangered species, the Bush administration is giving energy companies permission to annoy and potentially harm them while searching for oil and natural gas. This has caused a sudden increase in the “Polar Bears for Obama” population.
President Bush expressed concern to those affected by flooding in the Midwest. He said aid will be on the way as soon as the governor of the Midwest requests it.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
With the words, “I endorse him (Barack Obama) and throw my full support behind him,” Hillary Clinton lifted a great weight off her shoulders. But why stop there? Think how much better she’d feel if she could only say:
• There ought to be a law making it legal to castrate your husband.
• Maybe if you had bought some teeth and stopped hanging out in this bar, your trailer wouldn’t have been repossessed.
• I’d let Bill date a dozen Playboy Playmates if I could change my vote on the Iraq War.
• The most relaxing day Chelsea and I ever had was when we landed in Bosnia.
• “Although we weren't able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it has about 18 million cracks in it and the light is shining through like never before.” But frankly, right now I could give a rat’s ass. I need a drink.
At a lunch during the North Carolina Republican Party convention, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee performed the Heimlich maneuver on Robert Pittenger, the Republican candidate for lieutenant governor. A humble Huckabee said it was no different from trying to squeeze a contribution out of a campaign donor.
The Democratic National Committee, adopting Barack Obama’s fundraising rules, returned about $100,000 in money from lobbyists and political action committees -- but not before wishing it a tearful farewell.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama was finally forced to resign his 20-year membership in the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago after inflammatory remarks by a visiting priest, Rev. Michael Pfleger. It is truly an outrage and disappointment, given the solid lineup of upcoming clergy:
June 1-15: You won’t want to miss the caustic stylings of JDL funnyman Rabbi Shlomo Kahane. “He puts the fun into fundamental!” – Temple Agudas Achim newsletter
June 20: One night only! - Let’s get ready to rumble (but in a non-threatening way) with Unitarian Liberation minister, Zack Billington.
July 1-7: Seeing is believing! Watch Benedictine Monk/hypnotist “The Amazing Brother Guevara” place congregants in a trance and then convince them to act like chickens while redistributing their wealth.
July 15-20: Get some of that old time religion when Magician and mail order minister Michael Blaine attempts to baptize filmmaker Michael Moore in a giant vat of A.1. Steak Sauce.
July 28: The event a the Year! - Voodoo priest Father Jacque ‘N Awe narrows the Democratic presidential race down to one by sticking 50 needles into a Hillary Clinton doll.
Democratic Party leaders agreed to seat Michigan and Florida delegates with half-votes at their summer convention. Essentially, this means delegates will be able to vote for Bar Oba or Hil Clin.
As a result of the Democratic Party’s compromise, Hillary Clinton has been left with very little chance of winning and a growing addiction to alcohol.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain’s campaign released over a thousand pages of his medical records that show the Senator to be in good health. His records also turned up some other interesting medical information:
Page 47: Since 1980, McCain has been treated unsuccessfully for a condition that causes him to change political positions every time he blinks.
Page 178: John McCain is intermittently allergic and attracted to President Bush.
Page 249: The Senator suffers form a binge-purge syndrome that causes him to embrace wacky evangelical ministers when courting conservative voters and then drop them when the mainstream media starts paying attention.
Page 554: McCain threatened to stab a male nurse with a tongue depressor after it was suggested the Senator sign up for an anger management workshop.
Page 1045: McCain has an almost unhealthy dependence on lobbyists.
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has been selected to be the Libertarian Party’s presidential candidate. The only problem now is how to run for government office without government involvement.
While campaigning in Puerto Rico, Hillary Clinton told a crowd of supporters that the proudest moment in her father’s life was when he joined the Sharks.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Announcer: (Cue drum roll) Ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands together for the funniest guy in politics! The man who put the “less” in tasteless. The one, the only, Mike Huckabee!
Mike Huckabee: Thank you, thank you so much. Let me tell you, I just flew in from the coast and boy, are my angel wings tired.
But seriously, what can I say about that Barack Obama. He’s looking good, particularly from a grassy knoll. Hello, is this microphone on?
And then there’s Ted Kennedy. Ted, you’re supposed to seize the moment, not your chest. What is this, the Camelot Room?
Is that Hillary Clinton tough or what? Did you see the last debate? Barack Obama looked like Vince Foster begging for his life. But you know, aside from the Jews and Muslims, we’re all brothers. You’re a beautiful audience. Good night.
During a speech to 1,500 global policymakers and business leaders in Egypt, President Bush said “Too often in the Middle East, politics has consisted of one leader in power and the opposition in jail.” The president then added, “You guys may be on to something.”
John McCain warned 6,000 people at the NRA’s annual convention that a President Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton would put the rights of “law-abiding” gun owners at risk. An hour later, he promised members of Code Pink he would outlaw standoffish attitudes.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Top five things superdelegates are telling Hillary Clinton when switching support to Barack Obama:
• It’s an interesting theory but I still think Obama can win without the Ku Klux Klan vote.
• Barack Obama will never agree to a steel-cage death match.
• My advisors assure me there’s no way you’ll be able to count votes from Ontario.
• That flaming bag of dog poop on my front step was not enough to convince me.
• It was nice that your husband could stop by but my secretary is still missing.
The political advisor chosen by John McCain to run the Republican National Convention this summer was forced to resign when it was revealed that his lobbying and public relations firm once represented the Myanmar government. Fortunately, he will be replaced with the president of the American Friends of Robert Mugabe Association.
Barack Obama said on Thursday he has not ruled out selecting Hillary Clinton as his vice presidential running mate. He also has not ruled out Mike Gravel as his Ambassador to Mars.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton’s embracement of John McCain’s summertime gas tax break gimmick is a last ditch attempt to get working-class support -- and it’s working! But why stop there? Here’s how she can keep the pander-fest going.
• Pledge to reduce the price of pork rinds during NASCAR season.
• Promise to order the National Gallery of Art to dedicate an entire wing to Elvis-on-black-velvet paintings.
• Add the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to her MySpace Friends list.
• Deliver groceries to a poor family living in a trailer home/crystal meth lab.
• Continually mention in passing that she always wears her American flag bra strap pin.
John McCain said he didn’t mean to imply that the U.S. involvement in the Iraq war had anything to do with America’s reliance on foreign oil. He added, “We shouldn’t even be thinking about that until we’ve been there at least 75 years.”
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in presidential caucuses on Guam -- in spite of vicious rumors that his actual name is Biff Johnson.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Heading into the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, Barack Obama said, “There's no doubt that a campaign has to continually fine-tune itself.” Here are some suggestions that may help push him over the top:
• At the very least, wear a Reverend Wright “God Damn American” lapel flag.
• Forget the debates; challenge Hillary Clinton to a drinking contest.
• Every new campaign ad must contain at least one Monica Lewinsky subliminal message.
• Reach out to the working class. Propose a law that says “Jeopardy” cannot be harder to play than “Wheel of Fortune.”
• End every speech with “…and if they don’t like it, they should go back to where they came from!”
Hillary Clinton has challenged Barack Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. Obama said, “I’d love to but my stove pipe hat is at the cleaners.”
The Washington Post reports that President Bush’s plan to contract federal jobs to the private sector has fallen short. However, Wal-Mart is still accepting part-time applications for Secretary of Interior.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The New York Times reports that the Pentagon used a group of high-ranking retired military officers, each now a military contractor, to appear on news shows and promote the Bush Administration’s Iraq policies. Here are some of their comments that didn’t make it on the air:
• Pay no attention to that Bush flunky clutching my balls.
• The United States has no chance winning in Iraq without my new combination night vision goggles/electric toothbrush.
• To show you how well my WMD detector works, we’ve hidden a nuclear bomb under one of your seats.
• Tim, I’m wearing a pair bullet-proof underwear and loving it!
• Oprah, let me just say this: You get a tank, and you get a tank, and you get tank and you get a…
A Washington Post article questions whether John McCain’s bad temper will prevent him from getting elected or affect his ability to govern. It might if his first State of the Union Speech begins with: My fellow Americans, you want a piece of me?
Pope Benedict XVI became the first pope to visit an American synagogue. He was greeted with cries of “Wow, now that’s a Yamaka!”
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Hillary Clinton and John McCain have branded Barack Obama an elitist for saying that small-town voters in economically distressed areas are “bitter.” Obama must take immediate steps to show he’s a regular guy. Here are some suggestions:
• Pledge to appoint a Secretary of NASCAR.
• Be videotaped at a firing range shooting at bottles of Gray Poupon.
• Pledge to use his position as ex-president to eventually earn $109 million in about eight years.
• Announce he’s started smoking again and is up to three packs of Camels a day.
• Dump his wife and marry a woman who is both babe-a-licious and heiress to a beer distributorship fortune.
The New York Times reports that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is having a hard time finding a job. In fact, he’s so desperate he’s placed an ad on Monster.com reading, “Will say ‘I don’t remember' for food.”
John McCain outlined his plans to ease the burden on struggling American homeowners. The plan is very simple: If you no longer own a home, you won’t be struggling.
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Despite allegations of fatal shootings of civilians and tax violations, the State Department has renewed Blackwater USA’s multimillion-dollar contract to protect diplomats in Baghdad. However, Blackwater, which has received almost $1.25 billion in federal contracts since 2000, must adhere to the following conditions:
• During training sessions, Blackwater cannot invade West Virginia.
• All Blackwater human resource personnel must follow the Geneva Conventions when interviewing persons for secretarial help.
• Each Blackwater employee must partake in a yearly comprehensive three-second review of the United States Constitution.
• No waterboarding USO entertainers.
• Monthly status reports must be printed on index cards (until George Bush leaves office).
According to just-released records, Sen. Hillary Clinton and former President Clinton have made nearly $109 million since they left the White House. And that’s not including money for Hillary’s upcoming book, “It Takes a Gated Village.”
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has formed a presidential exploratory committee and may seek the Libertarian party nomination. Possible campaign slogans include: “I’m not joking. I’m really running for president.”
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During an appearance on ABC's “The View,” Barack Obama implied that his former pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright regrets his incendiary statements. In fact, since retiring, Wright has pledged to:
• Bless a factory that manufacturers American flag lapel pins.
• Nominate the Tuskegee Syphilis Study for a long-deserved Nobel Prize in medicine.
• Criticize Rosa Parks for taking a white insurance executive’s seat on a bus.
• Thank policemen for taking an interest in his life each time they ask: “How can a black guy afford a car like this?”
• Let the world know that no man has contributed more to African American culture than Charlie Pride.
New Cuba President Raul Castro is letting citizens have cell phones, thereby allowing them to call friends and relatives to say, “Stroke, stroke, stroke.”
Mitt Romney appeared with John McCain at Republican fund-raiser in Utah. This was the hardest thing Romney has had to do since switching from Honduran to Guatemalan landscapers.
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Hillary Clinton learned this week that New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is just not that into her. As a result, here are a few things suddenly removed from Richardson's schedule:
• Discuss upcoming fantasy football draft with Bill Clinton.
• Deliver key note speech to “It Takes a Village” chatroom.
• Judge Miss Chunky Chick beauty pageant.
• Be fitted for “Richardson/Clinton 2008" velour sweat suit.
• Say to Hillary Clinton each night, “Really? I didn’t know ‘La Bamba’ was your favorite song.”
Dick Cheney celebrated Easter at a nondenominational service in Jerusalem. It was his most profound religious experience since he cashed his first Haliburton check.
A registered sex offender is running for mayor of Wilmer, Texas. His campaign slogan is: “I never met a man on the Internet, claiming to be an underage girl, I didn’t like.”
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Meg Whitman, eBay’s outgoing CFO, is going to co-chair John McCain’s national presidential campaign. Here are five fund-raising ideas she may not have considered:
• Highest bidder gets a Straight Talk Express steering column that keeps veering to the right.
• Top 10 bidders receive all-expense paid anything courtesy of Boeing.
• Top 25 bidders get to visit U.S. troops in Iraq any time during 2085.
• Top 50 bidders will spend a week with McCain’s mother at a fantasy shuffleboard camp.
• Top 100 bidders will receive a photo of McCain’s forehead on which is an image of the Virgin Mary.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright has been removed as “spiritual adviser” to the Barack Obama campaign. However, the campaign is in talks with a free agent spiritual advisor who has been clocked at 4.3 seconds in the 40-yard dash across water.
With the Pennsylvania Primary in mind, the Obama campaign is also entertaining thoughts of going with an Amish spiritual adviser.
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Samantha Power, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author and unpaid adviser to Barack Obama, resigned on Friday after calling Hillary Clinton “a monster.” Nothing, of course, could be further from the truth as demonstrated by the following comparison:
• Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist. Hillary Clinton was raised by an overbearing father.
• The Creature from the Black Lagoon was played by actor Ben Chapman (who recently died on February 21, 2008). Hillary Clinton is played by herself.
• Godzilla has appeared in 28 movies. Hillary Clinton has appeared in 20 presidential debates.
• Dracula sucked the blood out of unsuspecting victims. Hillary Clinton has sucked the innocence out of Barack Obama’s childhood.
• King Kong carried a woman to the top of the Empire State Building and then gently set her down. Who knows what Hillary Clinton did with most of Bill’s girl friends?
President Bush vetoed legislation passed by Congress that would’ve banned the CIA from using waterboarding and other interrogation techniques considered by most to be torture. Bush added, “In order for this administration to function, we must be able to torture both terrorists and the English language.”
A John McCain adviser said Karl Rove is now informally advising the campaign. McCain said it was purely coincidental that after their first meeting, the Senator remembered that one of his jailers in Vietnam was Hillary Clinton.
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Keys to this week’s Super Tuesday:
• Ohio -- Hillary Clinton must convince voters that only she can prevent Cleveland’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum from being moved to Bombay.
• Rhode Island -- Barack Obama needs to tailor his message to the nation’s tiniest state: Small Change We Can Believe In.
• Texas -- Remember, es la economía, estúpido.
• Vermont -- It’s a rocky road without the support of Ben & Jerry.
Dmitry Medvedev, Vladimir Putin's hand-picked successor, easily won Russia's presidential election, causing President Bush to complain, “If Clinton and Obama can’t pronounce his name, what chance have I?”
John McCain has refused to renounce the endorsement of Texas televangelist John Hagee who is accused of being anti-Catholic, anti-gay, and anti-black. An amazed McCain added, “And yet he doesn’t hate the Jews.”
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Ralph Nader announced he will run for president as a third-party candidate. Here are some possible campaign slogans:
• Yeah, it’s me again.
• My suit will be ready on day one.
• Admit it, you’ve wondered what it would be like if I were in charge.
• Can you spare some change we can believe in?
• If I don’t win this time, my relatives will have me committed.
The Bush administration announced U.S. telecommunications companies have agreed to cooperate “for the time being” with spy agencies’ wiretaps -- as long as surveillance targets agree to a two-year service contract that includes phone, cable, and Internet.
John McCain denied his campaign is being run by lobbyists -- during his daily Verizon press conference and before his Sealy Posturepedic nap.
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Struggling to close a $4.4 billion deficit, New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has proposed making drug dealers pay tax on their illegal drugs. Here are some other taxes and fees the governor should consider:
• Prostitutes are levied a graduated booty tax, which would depend on how much junk they’re packing in their trunk.
• Salespeople must buy a license to sell fake Rolex watches out of a car.
• Squeegee men must charge a 10 percent tax on each vehicle which can be collected by threatening to urinate on it.
• Crack addicts will pay an excise tax on all valuables stolen to supply their habit. Amy Winehouse will be charged double.
• Police must pay a tax on all bribes and payoffs, but can deduct the cost of laundering dirty cash. There is also a 10 percent reduction if your name is Serpico.
President George H.W. Bush has endorsed John McCain -- but only after son Neil emerged from a Bangkok brothel and announced he wasn’t running.
In the Netherlands, people protested outside a theater where a 104-year-old singer who once performed for Adolf Hitler sang for the first time in four decades. He didn’t help his cause when he goose-stepped across the stage using a walker.
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On Saturday, Barack Obama easily swept the Louisiana, Washington, and Nebraska presidential contests. Key factors included:
• Louisiana -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for Fats Domino’s piano style.”
• Nebraska -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for the popularity of corn on the cob.”
• Washington -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for rainy weather and the Windows operating system.”
After winning the Kansas caucuses, Mike Huckabee said, “I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them.” His next miracle: President McCain appoints him Secretary of Freebies.
Dick Cheney joined with lawmakers in signing a Supreme Court brief that goes further in support of gun rights than the one submitted by the Bush administration. He then boarded an F-16 fighter jet to go pheasant hunting.
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Five biggest questions that will decide Super Tuesday:
• Does Romney have enough hair gel to cover 20 States?
• Can Hillary Clinton get her likeability ratings above Osama bin Laden’s?
• Will Rush Limbaugh’s meds kick in before his attacks on John McCain cause irreparable damage?
• Can Bill and Hillary stop Roger Clinton from endorsing Barack Obama?
• Will Mike Huckabee be able to channel an endorsement from Stonewall Jackson?
Bad week for Rudy #1 -- Rudy Giuliani's concession speech included thanks to his wife, Judith, her daughter, Whitney -- but not his own kids. Apparently, he’s still angry at them for skipping Thanksgiving at his mistress’ apartment.
Bad week for Rudy #2 -- Diego Caiola of Miami Beach gives a two-hour Gianni Versace Murder Tour that ends in front of the mansion where the former fashion designer was shot. It's almost as popular as the tour that ends where Rudy Giuliani's candidacy died
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Barack Obama’s easy victory in the South Carolina Democratic primary and his overwhelming support from blacks indicate the Clintons have not reached out enough to African Americans. Here are some suggestions for Bill and Hillary:
• Secure a new quote from Toni Morrison: “Hillary Clinton will be the nation’s first Black Panther president.”
• Post a Hillary and Charles Rangel “I Got You Babe” duet on YouTube.
• Suggest the Clinton’s are equally involved in the White- and Blackwater scandals.
• Claim that Hillary’s mother marched with Martin Luther King and George Romney.
• Spread a rumor: Barack Obama’s real father was a Rhodesian plantation owner named Emil.
John McCain has accused Mitt Romney of being a manager and not a leader. Romney responded with a scathing PowerPoint presentation.
Caroline Kennedy has endorsed Barack Obama. Asked why, she responded: “After marrying a Jew, endorsing a black for president was the only way I could get my grandfather to roll back over in his grave.”
Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Liz has signed on as one of Mitt Romney's senior foreign policy advisers. Her best advice: "Whatever my dad did, do the opposite."
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The Bush administration is about to announce the overhaul of FEMA. Among the changes:
• To eliminate confusion, disaster victims will be told to flee their homes in alphabetical order.
• If relief does not arrive for flood victims within a reasonable amount of time, Anderson Cooper can be used as a floatation device.
• People living in FEMA trailers must also be provided with biohazard pajamas.
• President Bush must be notified within six months upon the commencement of a major emergency response.
• FEMA’s toll-free emergency phone line has added the following item to its menu of options: “Press 9 to find out if anybody is in charge.”
John McCain has won the South Carolina Primary, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Hillary Clinton has won the Nevada Democratic caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Mitt Romney has won the Nevada Republican caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
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Dennis Kucinich, who won less than 2 percent of the vote in the New Hampshire primary, is asking for a recount. Kucinich is suggesting possible voter fraud, but there may be other reasons for his low number of votes:
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
• Members of “Short People for Kucinich” couldn’t reach his button on the voting machines.
• Experts underestimated the ability of “Vegans for Hillary” to get out the vote.
• People can’t get the image of Eleanor Roosevelt with a pierced tongue stud out of their heads.
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal was arrested the day before the New Hampshire primary in Nashua, N.H. on a charge of drunken driving -- just minutes after he announced Clinton was beating Obama among 18-39-year-old moose.
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The Iowa Caucuses – What have we learned?
• Mike Huckabee has proven there’s one thing Jesus wouldn’t do: charge exorbitant consulting fees to help a Republican win.
• Bill Clinton thought selling the country on the idea of universal health care was tough -- until he tried to sell Iowa on the idea of Hillary as president.
• “Mitt Romney spent millions of dollars in Iowa and all he got was this lousy T-shirt.”
• Barack Obama has a powerful and inspirational message: “I am not Hillary Clinton.”
• John Edwards could crash into the sun and still not catch fire.
The New Hampshire Primary – What will we learn?
• Mitt Romney reached the end of the road. Or has he more positions than a triple-jointed contortionist?
• Evangelical Christian voters from Iowa will be disappointed when their favorite candidate addresses a group of “Nashua Pagans for Huckabee.”
• It takes the average Wellesley College undergraduate years of counseling to erase the trauma of canvassing door-to-door one weekend for alumna Hillary Clinton.
• Barack Obama’s message of hope will be enough to win over New Hampshire voters. Or will he need to dip into Oprah’s swag bag?
• The Granite State will be the biggest test for Ron Paul. Can his blimp make it over Mt. Washington?
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories of 2007
• Nicole Kidman denies she is pregnant.
• Mitt Romney announces he believes Nicole Kidman is pregnant. One week later, he says he believes she isn’t, claiming his opinion has evolved.
• Hillary Clinton refuses to acknowledge she was wrong when she said she believed Nicole Kidman was pregnant.
• Rudy Giuliani admits authorizing a police escort for Nicole Kidman to buy a First Response Pregnancy Test Kit at a Long Island drug store.
• Barack Obama pledges to unite people who think Nicole Kidman is pregnant and people who think she made up the story for publicity.
• Mike Huckabee criticizes other candidates for “politicizing Ms. Kidman’s situation,” saying, “This is just between her, Jesus Christ, and the NRA.”
• John Edwards criticizes the Nicole Kidman pregnancy gossip as another example of “the inequities between A-list and B-list celebrities.
• Joe Biden refuses to comment on whether he thinks Nicole Kidman is pregnant, “This country is going to hell in a hand basket, and not one reporter has asked me about Jamie Lynn Spears!”
• Fred Thompson refuses to say whether he thinks Nicole Kidman is pregnant, but acknowledges, “I may have gotten smashed at a cast party and done God knows what. If so, I’ll do the gentlemanly thing and marry her.”
• Dennis Kucinich refuses to take a position on Nicole Kidman’s possible pregnancy, saying, “Why should I care? My wife is hotter and taller.”
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Are you surprised to learn Mitt Romney watched his father march “hand in hand” with Martin Luther King? Don’t be. He’s not the only candidate whose relative touched greatness.
• Hillary Clinton’s husband, Bill received his first penicillin shot from the grand nephew of Louis Pasteur.
• Mike Huckabee’s father, the first member of the Columbia Record Club, collected 10 free wax-coated phonograph cylinders from Thomas Edison. He then signed up his entire family and collected 300 more.
• Barack Obama’s mother appeared on Art Linkletter’s short-lived show, “Wives Have the Weirdest Last Names.”
• Rudy Giuliani watched his uncle march a Joe Valachi associate into the trunk of a waiting car.
• Dennis Kucinich’s father was business partners with ObeWanKanobe.
According to a CNN-WMUR poll, Hillary Clinton is beating Barack Obama, 42 percent to 25 percent among females -- although both are trailing Joe Biden among female impersonators.
Mike Huckabee is adopting a tougher stance on immigration. For example, he now feels no illegal immigrant should be allowed to stay in this country until he or she has vacuumed Huckabee’s pool.
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Mitt Romney needs to stem the Huckabee tide and quick. Here are some suggestions:
• 150-slide PowerPoint presentation: “Connecting with the Little People.”
• Deliver a “Torture in America” speech. Few Americans know where Mormons stand on waterboarding.
• Match Huckabee freebie for freebie. Never turn down another complimentary continental breakfast.
• It’s not enough to demand Huckabee apologize to Bush for saying the president had a “bunker mentality.” Romney should also send his landscaping company over to mow the bunker’s lawn.
• Acquire, at any cost, the endorsement of Larry the Cable Guy.
To soften her image, Hillary Clinton has been campaigning with her mother and daughter. To toughen her image, she plans to campaign with a Joseph Stalin impersonator.
Rudy Giuliani has been reworking his stump speech. Key changes: avoid words that rhyme with “affair,” “motel,” and “quickie.”
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While working for television evangelist James Robison, Mike Huckabee said he made himself sound more knowledgeable by reading issues of Reader’s Digest. In fact, he prepped for his last debate while waiting to get his teeth cleaned.
Shortly before she married Bill Clinton, Hillary Rodham tried to enlist in the Marines. She was rejected when a recruiter told her, “You're too old, you can't see, and you're a woman.” Or as Bill calls that: “My closing-time dream date.”
The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on the Spanish language network Univision. Here are the five least-subtle pandering statements made:
• Fred Thompson -- If elected president, I will declare salsa to be the national condiment.
• Mitt Romney -- No one should be allowed to be a citizen of this country unless they can speak English or operate a leaf blower.
• John McCain -- Now Freddy Prinze, there was a comedian!
• Mike Huckabee -- Pardoning Pablo Escobar would’ve been the Christian thing to do.
• Rudy Giuliani -- I’d send a limo half way around the world to pick up Rita Moreno.
In 1992, Mike Huckabee advocated isolating AIDS patients from the general public and opposed increased federal funding in the search for a cure, saying homosexuality could “pose a dangerous public health risk.” However, he did propose decreasing Arkansas Medicaid fees on leeches and exorcisms.
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Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney will give a speech at the George Bush Presidential Library in College Station, Texas this week, explaining his Mormon faith. In order to reach out to evangelical Christians, Romney will begin his talk with: “Ich bin ein Okie from Muskogee.”
Top five headlines from a Giuliani presidential administration:
• Air Force One flies First Lady to jazzercise class
• Air Force One flies First Mistress to jazzercise class
• Attorney General Bernard Kerik sworn in at his Rikers Island cell/office
• White House intruders identified as president’s children from second marriage
• Government olive oil contract awarded to Giuliani Partners
Keith Kerr, the retired gay Army colonel who, during the CNN/YouTube Republican Debate, asked the candidates about their views on gays in the military, turned out to be connected to the Clinton campaign. The Clinton campaign responded: “Thank God! We thought it was Barbra Streisand without her makeup.”
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The Middle East peace talks begin this week in Annapolis, Maryland. Here are President Bush’s five keys to a successful conference:
• Even though it’s the holiday season, do not lead the participants in a rousing rendition of The Dreidel Song.
• Do not try to settle any differences with a mountain bike race.
• No watching TV during negotiations.
• No new nicknames for world leaders without first clearing them with Condoleezza Rice.
• The Golan Heights are not a WNBA team.
Barack Obama said the experience of living in another country as a child gave him a better feel for international issues than other candidates. Joe Biden was quick to point out he’s a regular customer at International House of Pancakes.
Mike Huckabee has been endorsed by pro wrestler Ric Flair, thus clinching the support of voters who think Mike Huckabee was Tammy Wynette’s third husband.
John Edwards says we can lower the cost of heating oil by increasing regulation of oil companies and promoting energy efficiency -- or closing off the back wing of his mansion during the winter.
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In a speech to the Federalist Society, Rudy Giuliani said judicial nominees should be judged on their qualifications, honesty, and integrity, not their judicial philosophy. As an example, he mentioned his personal driver, Larry who just made dean’s list at the University of Bahamas Online Law School.
Undecided voters were allowed to ask questions at Thursday night's Democratic presidential debate. Here are some that CNN didn’t use:
• Which one of you is John Edwards?
• Senator Dodd, what is your exit strategy for getting U.S. troops out of Iran?
• Senator Clinton, under your health care plan, will I be covered for asbestos pantsuit chafe?
• Senator Biden, should illegal immigrants be allowed to be driving instructors?
• Senator Obama bin Laden, do you think the country is ready for its first terrorist president?
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Bernard B. Kerik revealed his defense strategy when he proclaimed: “My life has been marked by challenge…, “Whether it was growing up, being a cop, Rikers Island, the New York City Police Department, or the worst challenge, until this time, my challenges during and after 9/11. This is a battle I’m going to fight.”
Here is a sample of what the government can expect:
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you disclose the $250,000 loan from a wealthy Israeli industrialist whose companies did business with the federal government?
Kerik: 9/ll
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report as income the $255,000 in renovations to your Bronx apartment?
Kerik: 9/11
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report the $20,000 consulting fees in 2002?
Kerik: 9/11
Prosecutor: What is the capitol of Indiana?
Kerik: 9/11
Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president. Robertson said it’s the hardest thing he’s had to do since voting for Sanjaya on “American Idol.”
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Hillary Clinton said the other candidates are not piling onto her because she’s a woman, but because she's winning. Bill Clinton said it doesn't matter. He just loves the image.
Fred Thompson said he was unaware of his campaign co-chairman’s drug dealing past. Although in retrospect, Philip Martin's nickname, “Mr. Medellín,” should have tipped him off.
Former Vice President Walter Mondale has endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton for president. In addition to his support, Mondale told Clinton, “Feel free to use my ‘Where’s the beef?’ line. It never fails to kill.”
The New York Times reports the Bush administration is considering plans to close Guantanamo prison. Here are five possible uses for it:
• Guantanamo Bed, Breakfast, & Waterboarding Inn.
• Disney World - Guantanamo -- It’s a small cell after all.
• George W. Bush Presidential Library and Enhanced Interrogation Center.
• Club Med - Guantanamo -- You’ll come for the sun. You'll stay because we say so.
• Motel 6 - Guantanamo -- We’ll leave the light on -- until you talk.
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Mitt Romney explained that his mixing up the names of Osama bin Laden and Barack Obama was simply a mistake. He also said this when he referred to:
• Hillary Hitler
• Massachusetts Gov. Deval Putin
• Rudy Mussolini
• O.J. McCain
• Attila the Huckabee.
Fred Thompson is pledging to get tough with illegal immigrants -- just as long as it doesn't cut into his nap time.
Five signs you’re suffering from campaign debate fatigue:
• You’ve seen every pant suit owned by Hillary Clinton.
• You can identify Mike Gravel and Ron Paul.
• You change channels if you know there won’t be any shots of Dennis Kucinich’s babe-alicious wife.
• You know when Rudy Giuliani will say “9/11” before he does.
• The candidates start to make sense.
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President Bush has imposed new sanctions against Myanmar. These include:
• Cancellation of “Queer Eye for the Myanmar Guy”
• Import ban on all Myanmarian brutal military officer bobble-head dolls
• No more White House Myanmarian karaoke nights
• Removal of the Myanmar double cheese burger from all restaurant menus
• No Myanmar NFL expansion team
Hillary Clinton said illegal immigrants will not be covered by her proposed healthcare plan -- unless they can afford a $50,000 co-payment in her also-proposed "Norman Hsu Campaign Donation Health Plan."
Lynne Cheney said she’d be uncomfortable with Hillary Clinton as president -- and yet she goes to bed each night knowing she may be shot in the face.
Critics question Nancy Pelosi's decision to push for an Armenian genocide resolution in Congress -- particularly since we’ve yet to acknowledge the brutal thumpings received by the Notre Dame football team.
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Atlantic City Mayor Robert Levy has disappeared after calling in sick a week and a half ago. Here are five possible scenarios that may explain his whereabouts:
• He is taking former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s advice to get in touch with his inner cabaret singer.
• He is waiting in line for Bruce Springteen tickets.
• He is being forced to listen to the long version of how Donald Trump bagged Miss Wyoming.
• He needs more time to rehearse his scratchy voice before phoning again to claim he really is sick.
• He suffers from the most common ailment in New Jersey -- disappearing without a trace.
President Bush said he may be willing to compromise on Congress’s proposal to expand the State Children's Health Insurance Program -- if Congress is willing to specify that all heart and liver transplants will be performed on an out-patient basis.
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During the latest Democratic debate in New Hampshire, leading White House candidates could not guarantee to pull all U.S. combat troops from Iraq by 2013 -- or as it is now being called: the nuanced response heard round the world.
A lawyer representing some inmates at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba says he has been prohibited from giving his clients such items as Speedo swimsuits and Under Armour briefs. Authorities, however, claim that before interrogations, prisoners receive the option of being tortured in boxers or briefs.
In his just-released autobiography, “My Grandfather's Son,” Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas attempts to set the record straight about his contentious nomination hearings. For example, what actually impressed him about Long Dong Silver was the porn star’s ability to use service station rest rooms without leaving his car.
The airport men’s room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested has undergone renovations. Changes include:
• Each stall has a TV broadcasting Fox News.
• The middle stall has been endowed by George Michael.
• Translators fluent in Spanish and French hand signals are now on duty.
• Thursday is Bojangles tap night.
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Mitt Romney released a 67-page booklet called “Strategy for a Stronger America” in which he presents 10 challenges for a stronger nation. Here are some challenges that didn't survive the first draft:
• Curbing out-of-control campaign promises
• Ending the tide of illegal immigrants -- after they've finished mowing my lawn
• Confronting radical jihad --- preferably with the help of somebody else’s kids
• Criminalizing abortion by Monday -- and legalizing it by Wednesday
• Winning the global economic competition -- while earning $8.50 an hour with no benefits
President Bush accused the Democratic Congress of out-of-control spending, proving once again, he’s the man who puts the chutz in chutzpah.
Rudy Giuliani “accidentally” received another cell phone call from his wife during a speech to the NRA. Will it help promote him as a family man? It depends if the call was from wife number 1, 2, or 3.
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General David Petraeus could not have appreciated being called “General Betray Us” in a full-page ad placed by Moveon.org in the New York Times. Perhaps it’s time for him to step down and promote his able assistant, Major Calvin P. Cutandrun.
Sen. Hillary Clinton announced she’ll return $850,000 in campaign donations solicited by Norman Hsu -- but only after spending one more evening rolling around naked in it.
Critics claiming that Fred Thompson is too lazy to run for president point out that since beginning his campaign bus tour on Thursday, he’s been averaging only three campaign stops a day. However, Thompson said that didn’t include trips to Disneyland, the Grand Canyon, and Branson Missouri.
President Bush’s latest catch-phrase for staying in Iraq is “Return on success,” which narrowly beat out “I’ll show you, Dad!”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Master thespian Fred Thompson used an appearance on the “Tonight” show as an opportunity to throw his SAG card into the ring. Now, it’s time to find out about the real Fred Thompson. Is he the gruff but stoic district attorney Arthur Branch in “Law and Order?” The gruff but stoic Rear Admiral Joshua Painter in “The Hunt for Red October?” Or the gruff but stoic Maj. Gen. Melrose Hayden Barry in “Fat Man and Little Boy?”
Osama bin Laden, appearing on video for the first time in three years, urged Americans to convert to radical Islam. He even says he has no problem with American suicide bombers changing their final words from “Praise to Allah” to a more inclusive “Season’s Greetings.”
Colorado authorities finally caught disgraced Democratic fundraiser Norman Hsu. Hours of relentless questioning by detectives resulted in a $10,000 donation to the Hillary Clinton Campaign by the Grand Junction police department.
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Politics / Humor - Dogging allegations
While waiting to appear with his future companion on “Oprah” to plug their new Boise bed and breakfast as well as his I’m-glad-I-got-that-off-my-newly-waxed-chest memoir, Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) has hired a legal team that includes Michael Vick's lawyer, Billy Martin. This case may have nothing to do with a dog-fighting gambling ring, but it does raise the obvious question: When betting on anonymous men’s room sexual encounters, how can you tell who’s winning?
In a related story, Mitt Romney announced he’s never set foot in a public restroom.
In a related story to the related story, Mitt Romney announced he did knock on restroom stall doors in the 1960s but only while doing missionary work.
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Politics / Humor - One, two, uh three, here’s what we’re fighting for
In a speech to US veterans of 20th century conflicts in Asia, President Bush pointed out the similarities between the Iraq and Vietnam conflicts -- again attempting to explain why yet another generation of privileged Americans must avoid dying their country.
Abortion, no abortion; gay marriage, no gay marriage; let’s call the whole thing off
Mitt Romney said as president he would allow individual states to keep abortion legal, two weeks after saying he supports a constitutional amendment to ban it. This may not be a good week for him to weigh on “tastes great or less filling.”
5 ways Hillary Clinton can get her negatives up
• Announce first order as president: have Bill fixed
• Give this sincerity thing a try
• Record love song duet CD with Michael Bolton
• New policy -- exhale at least once a week
• Three words -- wet pantsuit contest
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Politics / Humor - Exit Karl Rove
Karl Rove is leaving Washington, presumably to spend more time with his family and question their patriotism. He can also finally pursue his ultimate dream -- train for the "Mr. Pasty White Guy" body building competition. The president will miss his faithful advisor and brain, but it’s reassuring to know Rove is only a dirty trick away.
Giuliani: “I’d like to see a menu and five forms of ID.”
After governing the city that green cards forgot, Rudy Giuliani wants us to believe he will put a stop to illegal immigration if elected president. The message is clear -- Mail order brides need not apply for the position of Mrs. Giuliani, número cuatro.
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Politics / Humor - From Fringe to Cringe Candidate
GOP Rep. Tom “Hablo Ingles Solamente” Tancredo propelled his candidacy from no chance in Hell to no chance in Hell and beyond when he said he favored bombing Mecca and other Islamic holy sites to deter a terrorist attack on the United States. Tancredo has even DAR dowagers wondering if they should book passage back to England on the Mayflower.
I Love Lake Winnipesaukee in the Summer
Top 5 reasons French President Nicolas Sarkozy chose to vacation in New Hampshire:
• Club Med-Bayonne was totally booked.
• Jerry Lewis claims the Granite State has the best lobster roll.
• Sarkozy mistakenly thought New Hampshire’s motto was “Live Free or Diet.”
• The money saved from stocking up at state liquor stores more than pays for the trip.
• Where else can a middle-age man be the Speedo King?
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