Humor

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• I’ll explain this one more time; sushi is a sliced raw fish.

• No, Saddam Hussein did not give Michelle away at our wedding.

• Let me get this straight: If I get my bowling score up to 250, you’ll vote for me?

• And the farmer says to the salesman, “No, I don’t have any Grey Poupon but you can sleep with my daughter.”

• It was during the Irish Potato Famine that my Great Great Grandfather Padraig O’Bama brought his family to America.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:00 AM

Humor

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• And then he’s driving me to Disneyland. What a country!

• One chocolate, one vanilla, both with jimmies.

• When you see a guy reach for stars in the sky, you can bet that he's doing it for some doll.

• And finally I said, “Okay, you can drive the Popemobile.”

• No matter what I say, that stupid grin never leaves his face.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 10:36 PM

Humor

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• You say surrender, I say invasion.

• And now, a very special edition of “Judge Judy.”

• My mistress wants to know who designs your pantsuits.

• Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

• Well, George Bush called me “one cute Kraut.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:34 PM

Humor

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• They’ll let anybody work here.

• Should someone tell him there’s a Post-It note on his ass?

• That’s the guy who stole my lunch out of the refrigerator!

• …and you'll need to fill out this 401(k) application.

• I think he’s here to fix the copier.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 04:40 PM

Humor

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• Governor Spitzer, this position is going to cost you an extra $1000.

• Whoever holds her breath the longest will be my bride’s maid.

• I promise, this time no one will catch athlete’s head.

• The people at Cirque du Soleil said I was insane!

• Because Coach Caligula said so.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:53 PM

Humor

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• Who stole my Emperor's Club coffee cup?

• I’ll tell you what’s sexy: typing 120 words a minute while wearing only crotchless panties!

• A thousand dollars an hour and she makes me pay for the minibar.

• So a priest, a minister, and Client 8 walk into a bar.

• Big deal! Kerry’s wife paid him more than $10,000 just to vacuum in his bicycle shorts.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:07 AM

Humor

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• Would the person who stole my wife’s batteries please return them?

• Cindy will next pretend she’s trapped in an invisible box.

• If you don’t believe she has her own opinions, pull the string in her back.

• She’s a great gal, particularly when I switch her to vibrate.

• We were introduced by a mutual friend, Madame Tussaud.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 10:25 AM

Humor

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• The San Francisco City Council is now in session.

• Another Match.com satisfied customer.

• Which way to the Chippendale Dancers Reunion?

• Yes we have a complaint. You put way too much starch in our leather shorts.

• We’re here for the Sen. Larry Craig birthday party.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:11 PM

Humor

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• Introducing the new and improved George Foreman Voting Machine.

• Should I release the trap door now, Mr. Clinton?

• No, Sen. Clinton, this voting machine doesn’t make your ass look big.

• I’m sorry, this didn’t happen the last time I sawed a presidential candidate in half.

• Hey, who wrote, “For a good time, call Bill Clinton.”?

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:37 PM

Humor

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• Together we can burp.

• The audacity of diaper rash.

• And you’re still voting for Hillary?

• And this is my impression of Marty Feldman.

• And then Oprah said, “Everybody in the audience is getting a free baby!”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 08:32 AM

Humor - Working together can sometimes strain a relationship. Bill and Hillary Clinton are no different from other couples.

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• He’s 6 ft 2½ in tall, has white hair, and will probably tell you I don’t understand him.

• Don’t take this as a threat, but I’ve made interns disappear.

• Excuse me, my husband is missing. Can I use you as bait?

• Nice outfit. Does it come in a pantsuit?

• And then he’ll ask you where he can stuff your tax rebate.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:30 PM