Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — It seems like every time I go out to a bar I end up talking to some stranger who decides to tell me all his problems. I don’t know what it is about me that attracts these guys. Maybe I have a friendly face or look trustworthy or something, but it’s really getting annoying. I just want to go out to relax and have a drink and maybe get laid, but instead I get sucked into these long conversation where I feel like Dear Abby.

I don’t want to be rude, so how do I tactfully extricate myself from these situations?

— Troy, Chelsea, MA

Dear Troy — Way to bum Spike out. Just when he thought his readers were all from affluent communities you have to go and send a letter from Chelsea. And not even one of the good Chelseas, like in Manhattan or London. The Chelsea under the Mystic River Bridge! Spike didn’t even know people there could write. Thanks a lot.

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Posted by Spike at 10:47 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I don’t really need your advice, but I want your opinion on something.

The other night my husband and I had a party with some friends and colleagues. While we were having cocktails the subject of political sex scandals came up (Eliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton, in particular). Much to my surprise, the men were much more adament in their condemnations than the women. The women all seemed to feel that mistakes happen and that while cheating is wrong, it doesn’t mean that a politician can’t still do a good job. The men, on the other hand, felt that cheating was evidence of poor character and judgment and therefore made the guilty parties unfit for political office.

Why do you think men are less forgiving of politicians’ infidelities than women? I would think it would be the other way around since in all of the instances we were discussing the wives were the victims.

I should probably tell you that all of our guests were married and ranged in age from early-40s to late-50s. It was a pretty even mixture of Republicans and Democrats. Most of the women, like myself, are stay-at-home moms and most of the men work in finance, earning fairly substantial salaries.

Any insights? And by the way, which candidate are you supporting for the Presidential election? Just curious.

— Enid, Weston, MA

Dear Enid — Wow. Last week a letter from Wellesley and this week a letter from WESTON! Who knew that Spike was so well read by the Boston-area elite? Spike feels just like Florence, the maid on “The Jeffersons”: still doing the same crappy job, but at a much better address.

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Posted by Spike at 04:31 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I’m an attractive single woman in my early-50s. I’ve tried my hand at relationships but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me, and I’ve finally decided to stop looking. My life is very full and satisfying as it is and I’ve reached the point where I realize I don’t need a man to make me happy. Still, sometimes a gal gets a little “lonely,” so occasionally I’ll go searching online for a guy who might be looking for some company for the evening.

About 5 weeks ago I found an ad from a married couple looking for another woman for “occasional, no-strings, casual encounters.” I’ve never had any interest in other women, but the idea intrigued me, so I responded and we set up a time to meet the following Wednesday night.

“Bill and Susan” and I met in the lobby bar of a nearby hotel and we immediately hit it off. They’re both in their mid-40s, both professionals like myself, have 2 teenage girls, and they’ve been together for 22 years. Despite my nervousness, their warmth immediately put me at ease and I had a wonderful time getting to know them. In fact they’re exactly the sort of people I would want to have as friends: intelligent, thoughtful, and kind, with many varied interests.

Anyway, as the evening went on it became clear that the attraction was mutual and we ended up renting a room. I won’t go into detail about exacty what happened, but it was extremely exciting for me, and “Bill and Susan” apparently enjoyed it as well since they emailed me the next day to see if I was available the following Wednesday (as I found out, their daughters both play basketball and usually have away games on Wednesday nights).

We got together again the next Wednesday and the one after that and both times it was wonderful. It seemed like I’d finally found a situation which really suited my needs: steady sex with partners whose company I enjoyed, without all the complexity of a relationship.

But then suddenly I stopped hearing from them. The Friday after our last encounter I sent “Susan” an email to see if they wanted to meet the following week for our regular Wednesday night get-together and she never responded. I sent her another email that Monday but still no response. It’s now been almost two weeks and I haven’t heard a word from them.

Needless to say I feel quite hurt by their sudden decision to apparently end our relationship. At the very least I’d like to talk to them to see if I did something wrong. As I said, they’re exactly the sort of people I’d like to have as friends, and even if sex isn’t part of the equation I’d still love to get together with them socially.

I’d give them a call but to be honest I don’t have a phone number or even a last name. I’m not even sure if “Bill and Susan” are their real first names. Part of their initial request was that all communications be handled by email. And all of our trysts took place at the hotel. What do you think, Spike? Should I continue emailing or should I just let it go? This was a completely new situation for me and I’m not quite sure of the proper etiquette.

— Alice, Wellesley, MA

Dear Alice — You dirty slut you! Trolling the internet for hook-ups? With a man AND a woman at that? And you, a 54-year-old professional woman from WELLESLEY! You naughty, naughty lady! Spike thinks he may just have found a new best friend (not literally, Alice, so don’t start stalking him with emails).

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Posted by Spike at 04:19 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I’m 30-year-old gay man. I work as an executive assistant for a very successful investment banker. He’s in his early fifties, married with 3 kids, etc... I love him to death (in a platonic way). He’s smart, considerate, and kind. I can’t imagine a better boss.

We’ve always had a great relationship at work, and over time we’ve developed a friendship as well. He knows I’m gay and he’s always asking me for advice on his clothes and hair and stuff. In fact we go on shopping trips together at the beginning of each season so I can help him pick out his wardrobe.

I always try to be honest about his clothing choices, but there’s one thing I can’t quite bring myself to tell him. He always wears this horrible safari-cowboy hat and an oil cloth longrider coat over his suits. He looks like he just stepped out of a bad made-for-TV Australian cowboy movie. I think it makes him look like a total tool, but I don’t have the heart to tell him since he seems to think it makes him look really cool.

Should I tell him? And what makes an otherwise-intelligent guy wear something like that?

Seth, Manhattan, New York

Dear Seth — Gee, you’re a 30-year-old gay executive assistant who gives his boss style advice and helps him shop for clothes. Way to buck the stereotype, Seth!

Spike thinks that maybe you’re underestimating the practicality of your boss’ sartorial choices, Mr. Fancy Pants. After all, what could be more appropriate than a wide-brimmed hat and long coat for rounding up all those doodles down at the dog park, crossing the great expanses of the Upper West Side in your covered Hummer, or lassoing a free-range rotisserie chicken at Balducci’s? Rather than criticizing, maybe it’s time you got into the spirit of the whole thing and adopted your own westerny side-kick look. You could knock out a few teeth and grow your beard long and be the cantankerous-but-lovable “Cookie” who mans the Chuck Wagon. Or don a pair of butt-less suede pants with fringe down the sides (you know, the ones you usually save for Saturday nights down at the Manhole?) and be “Big Chief Ass-Kisser.” Or maybe a hoop skirt, bustier and some rouge to become “Kitty,” the town madame with the heart of gold. The possibilities are endless.

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Posted by Spike at 05:07 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — My honey, Shaun, and I have been together for almost three years now and living together for the past year. I love him to death and the relationship is wonderful, but I think it’s time that we bought a place together, whereas he wants to keep renting.

Until we decided to test-drive cohabitation I always owned. I like the stability of ownership, and knowing that the place where I live is truly mine and that I can do whatever I want with it.

Shaun has always rented. I think it appeals to his independent nature not be tied down to one place. He likes the idea of being able to pick up and move to the next place on a month’s notice.

I just think it makes sense for us to buy at this point. I don’t think either of us has any doubts about the relationship, housing prices have plummeted, and I hate the idea of throwing away money on rent and losing out on the mortgage interest tax break. I also feel like it’s time we put down some more permanent roots together. Maybe it’s some sort of nesting instinct, but I want a place that is truly our home.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable to ask Shaun to change his ways? I should point out that we’re not young kids. Both of us are closing in on 40 and have successful careers and otherwise very stable lives, and we both have strong ties to the area through our families and friends.

— Emerson, Cleveland, Ohio

Dear Emerson — Gee, your “honey” doesn’t fancy buying a house in Cleveland. Imagine that. Why could that be? Oh, maybe he doesn’t want to be stuck in the armpit that is Cleveland for the rest of his life?

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Posted by Spike at 10:22 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I’m a 37-year-old dyke. I’m a long-time reader of Dan Savage’s “Savage Love” column in the Village Voice. Recently one of my gay-boy friends turned me onto your column. I really dig it. My question is, how would you compare yourself to Dan Savage?

— She-Devil, Long Island

Dear She-Devil — How would Spike compare himself to Dan Savage? With a ruler and mirror, of course, because Spike is much taller and MUCH better looking. In fact just the other night Spike saw Dan Savage on “Real Time with Bill Maher” and could have sworn that he was sitting on a stack of telephone books, and Spike hasn’t seen that much gauze on a camera lens since they tried to pass a 56-year-old Bette Davis off as a dewy twenty-something at the beginning of “Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte.”

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Posted by Spike at 01:30 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I recently put my house of 10 years on the market. One of the things that my broker noted when she first came to meet with me was that it smelled like smoke and that that might be an issue for some buyers. I know that non-smokers can be very sensitive to smoke, so before every showing I’ve made an extra effort to ensure that the smoke smell is minimal.

Well, this morning I received an offer on my house...with a contingency. The buyers want me to have the house professionally cleaned at my expense until it meets with their approval in terms of the smoke smell being removed. They also want me to agree not to smoke in the house after the cleaning.

I’m not sure what to do. Part of me is really offended by their request. It’s not like I’m living in some dark, one room hovel with overflowing ashtrays on every surface and nicotine-stained walls. The house is a bright, airy bungalow with lots of windows. I also keep it near-immaculate clean at all times, steam clean the carpets and furniture every 6 months, and repaint every 3 years. At the same time, the housing market is so bad right now that I’m afraid to pass up an opportunity to sell.

I get that some people just don’t like the smell of smoke, in the same way that I get turned off by the smells of old food or dirty laundry when I go into a house, but I also know that 90% of the smoke smell is going to leave with me and the other 10% will disappear as soon as they repaint, which I’m sure the new owners would do anyway.

Given that you’re a smoker, what would you do in my situation?

— Smokin’ Joe, Atlanta, Georgia

Dear Smokin’ — What would Spike do in your situation? He would ask his broker to arrange a meeting with the prospective buyers, show up with a lit cigarette dangling from each corner of his mouth, and tell them to go fuck themselves. Then again Spike is fabulously wealthy from writing this column and could afford to let his house rot into the ground to make a point.

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Posted by Spike at 03:42 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — My boyfriend, Mark, and I have been together for 3 years. Overall things have been really good, but there is one issue that’s been bothering me. For the last six months every time I’ve gotten together with my best friend, Sarah, Mark has invited himself along. Sarah and Mark like one another so it’s cool when we’re all together, but I also miss spending time alone with Sarah.

So I made plans with Sarah for last night and I told Mark a few days ago that it was just going to be a “girls night out.” He seemed okay with it, but as soon as Sarah and I sat down for cocktails I got a text message from Mark asking if he could join us.

I was really kind of pissed but I also knew that if I said no his feelings would be hurt, so instead I just didn’t respond at all and figured I could pretend I never got the message. I know that was pretty chicken shit but I really wanted to avoid a confrontation.

Well, there was no confrontation because when I got home Mark was asleep, and today he won’t talk to me at all. I’m not sure where he is now. He left at 11 this morning and he’s still not home yet at 4 in the afternoon.

How should I handle this? Do you think I owe him an apology? Am I obligated to invite him whenever I get together with Sarah or other friends because we’re a couple?

— Josh in Washington, DC

Dear Josh — Spike was just reading an article in the “New England Journal of Medicine.” Did you know they’re doing wonders these days with spine transplants? Maybe you should look into it.

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Posted by Spike at 01:03 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I’m feeling really stressed out. It seems like I just don’t have enough time to do all the things I need to do and I’m starting to freak out. Between work, the gym, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, buying stuff for my apartment, seeing my friends, seeing my family, etc..., I just don’t have any time to myself, let alone time for dating.

I look at people I work with who work just as many hours as I do and they just don’t seem to be nearly as stressed, and some of them have kids. I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong?

—On the Edge, Boston

Dear Edge — Have you considered the possibility that you’re just a pussy?

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Posted by Spike at 02:26 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I hate being gay. I just don’t get why everyone thinks it’s so fabulous. I just moved to Boston from Nebraska and the whole gay scene here makes me sick. It’s like all anyone cares about is having the right clothes and being seen in the right places with the right people. Their lives are so shallow and empty. It’s all parties, clubs, shopping, brunches, meaningless one night stands, promiscuous sex, drinking, drugging and dancing all night. It’s like their whole lives revolve around being gay.

Back home it wasn’t like that. Gay people didn’t make a big deal out of their sexuality. You just went about your life discreetly. All the gay guys knew where to meet other gay guys, but our lives weren’t centered on being gay. We had values and were more concerned with things like our families and our work and our communities. And no one else bothered you about your private life.

What should I do? I can’t go back home because I’m working in investment banking and there just aren’t jobs like this back there.

Travis, The South End

Dear Travis — Meaningless one night stands? Promiscuous sex? Drinking, drugging and dancing all night long? Either your letter took 30 years to reach Spike or Spike wants to move to your neighborhood. Seriously, Travis, are you living in the same Boston that Spike is?

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Posted by Spike at 03:07 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — Last night my partner, Cristopher, and I were out at a club and we met a guy named Ray who was visiting from LA. He was a really great guy and we hung out all night talking and drinking and dancing together. I have to admit that I found him really attractive and it seemed like the attraction was mutual. It also seemed like there was some mutual chemistry between Ray and Cristopher. At the end of the night, we exchanged phone numbers and made tentative plans for all of us to met up again before Ray leaves town.

After we got home and were laying in bed Cristopher suddenly asked me what I thought about the idea of having a threesome with Ray. I was shocked and excited at the prospect. Cristopher and I are both in our early 30s and we’ve been together for 5 years. In all that time we’ve never even talked about introducing a third party into our sex life and so far as I know we’ve both been completely faithful.

I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not so I just kind of laughed it off and said, “Sure, honey, whatever you want.” I figured when he was sobered up he’d forget all about it. But this morning at breakfast he asked me if I was serious about going through with the threesome. It actually kind of bothered me that he brought it up again because I started to feel insecure and it made me wonder if he’s been wanting to have sex with other guys for a while. I asked him and he reassured me that he’s very happy with our sex life but that it was obvious that we were both attracted to Ray so why not have an adventure?

What he said makes sense, and the idea of a threesome with Ray is very exciting, but at the same time the whole thing is making me kind of uncomfortable. What do you think I should do? Ray is only here for another 3 days so I have to make a decision quickly.

Thanks,
— On the Fence, Chicago

Dear Fence — You need to make a decision within 3 days and you’re writing to Spike? What, like Spike has nothing better to do at 7 on a Sunday morning than read and immediately respond to his readers’ letters? Well you happen to be in luck because the circus midgets had to get back home so the orgy broke up early this morning.

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Posted by Spike at 07:58 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I’m getting to that point in my life where I’m starting to evaluate the things I’ve done, the things I wish I hadn’t done, and the things I wish I had done. Maybe I’m having a mid-life crisis (I’m 55), but I find myself spending more and more time fixating on regrets and a general malaise has set in. When I think about my future I don’t see anything new happening. It feels like I’ve done everything new I’m ever going to, and half of those things I wish I hadn’t done.

I’m not suicidal or anything, but I don’t look forward to the future with much hope. It just seems like something to endure. Any advice?

— Down in Revere, MA

Dear Down — Hold on a second, Spike can’t hear you over all the violin music. Can you dial down the self-pity for a second? Ah, thanks, that’s better. Now what was that you were saying? You’re having a mid-life crisis? Spike supposes that’s possible...if you’re going to live to be 110, but with your attitude THAT’S not very likely to happen.

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Posted by Spike at 08:46 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — How old is too old to go out to dance clubs? I’m a 50-year-old man and I still love going out dancing, but none of my friends the same age will go with me anymore. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I’ve passed the point where it’s appropriate to be shaking my groove thang.

— Perpetual Dancing Queen, Boston

Dear Perpetual — How old is too old to go out to dance clubs? One is NEVER too old to go to dance clubs...just to do it with dignity. Look over your right shoulder. You see that things that looks kind of like a monkey having an epileptic seizure about 15 years behind you? That’s what’s left of your dignity. Not pretty, is it?

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Posted by Spike at 11:00 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I have a rather unpleasant work-related problem. My desk is located near a bathroom. Under normal conditions it's not an ideal place to be. But to make matters worse, one daily user (a VP) always leaves it with what could best be described as the zesty scent of a rarely-serviced Calcutta bus station. I don't know what this guy eats, but I'm convinced Taco Bell has an all-the-spoiled-burritos-you-can-hold-down special.

I understand that when one has to do one's business one has to do one's business, but there's a large, multi-stall bathroom right down the hall from our office this guy could use. But instead he decides to favor me with his stench (maybe it's some sort of alpha male display) and I’m always worried that other people will smell it and think I have an intestinal disorder.

How should I handle this? As I said, he’s a vice president and I’m just a lowly administrative assistant so he’s much further up the food chain than I am. I’m seriously thinking about quitting just to get away from this situation.

— Working in a Toilet, Passaic, New Jersey

Dear Working — Are you certain that what you’re smelling is emanating from the bathroom? After all, you DO work in Passaic. Someone might just have opened a window. But Spike jests, of course. That would only happen if you worked in Newark or East Orange.

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Posted by Spike at 04:35 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I’m a 45-year-old gay man. Every morning I go to my local coffee shop around 9, take my regular seat at the window, have some breakfast and coffee while I read the paper, then work on my novel for a few hours. I’ve been doing the same thing each weekday for 11 years (it’s too crowded on weekends). It’s a great place for me to get away and concentrate and the owners don’t mind because the shop is usually empty at that time and I tip well.

Two weeks ago, however, a group of 3–5 (it varies daily) young mothers began showing up each morning with their infants and taking the table directly behind me. I’m not a straight-hater or baby-basher (in fact I love babies and think that the diversity that’s come to the neighborhood is very healthy), but I’m extremely annoyed that they’re choosing to sit directly behind me, especially when the rest of the shop is empty. Although the women are very pleasant and the babies are well behaved, the constant gurgling and spitting up and cooing is all very distracting while I’m trying to write.

I know I could move, but I feel that as a longtime regular I have seniority and I really enjoy the view from my regular seat while I work. So how do I politely ask these women to move to a table farther away?

— Eduardo, South End, Boston

Dear Eduardo — It has always amazed Spike how oblivious people can be to their surroundings, especially when they have children in tow. How could these inconsiderate women have failed to notice that they weren’t actually in a public coffee shop, but rather your private office? Their lack of awareness astounds! But seriously, Eduardo, If you’ve been going to the same coffee shop, sitting in the same seat, and working on the same novel every weekday for the last 11 years you have far greater problems than a bunch of noisy breeders sitting behind you. Have you ever considered treatment for your obsessive-compulsive disorder, or maybe getting some friends?

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Posted by Spike at 09:00 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I have a very close friend I’ll call Sarah. We’ve been friends since we met at Spit back in 1986 (SPIKE'S NOTE: Spit was a punk/new wave dance club on Boston's Landsdowne Street). She’s a straight, intelligent, liberal Jewish democrat in her mid-40s who LOVES gay men. In fact, with the exception of one woman she’s known since high school, all of her close friends and most of her acquaintances are gay men (she works at a high-end retail boutique so that might have something to do with it).

In most respects Sarah is an ideal friend. She’s a lot of fun, extremely kind, generous and caring, and very loyal. But she has one irritating habit. Whenever she introduces me to someone new she says, “This is Robert, one of my gays.” She also consistently refers to our group of friends as “my gays.” I know this isn’t uncommon. I’ve seen Kathy Griffin’s stand-up act and TV show and I know she does the same thing. But I still find it somewhat offensive.

Everytime I hear Sarah say “my gays” it sets my teeth on edge a little bit. I know she adores gay men, but when she calls us that I feel like on some deep level she doesn’t really respect us completely as individuals. It’s sort of like we’re just accessories.

I don’t think I’m just being overly sensitive. I’ve asked some of our other friends about it and they have the same reaction. I don’t want to offend Sarah because I think she’s a great person and I value our friendship, so how do I broach the subject with her? Or do you think I should just grin and bear it and accept it as one annoying foible from an otherwise wonderful human being?

— Robert, Boston

Dear Robert — A straight woman in her mid-40s who LOVES gay men, has only one straight friend, works in retail and is “a lot of fun”...hmmmm, Spike thinks you left out the part where she invites you over to swill Cosmopolitans, dances around her tiny Cambridge apartment in her vintage plus-size purple jacket with the shoulder pads to old New Order, Depeche Mode, Morrissey and Erasure songs, tries to convince you to sleep with her just once (again), then breaks down in tears, telling you that you and her cats are the only ones who really love her and wailing “Why can’t straight guys be like gay guys...but gay guys who fuck me?” Ah yes, Spike can picture it all now. Good times.

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Posted by Spike at 09:33 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’m a recent college graduate who just moved to Boston from Minnesota for my first job. When I was growing up my parents always taught my brother and sister and I that how we look isn’t nearly as important as what kind of people we are inside. They stressed the importance of education, social skills, and being well rounded over being physically attractive. Since I moved here, though, I’m starting to wonder if they knew what they were talking about.

It seems to me that every gay guy in this city is like an Adonis. Not necessarily that they have great faces, but they all seem to have amazing bodies. Maybe for my Dad just being a nice, smart guy was enough, but he was competing against a bunch of other pasty, doughy guys from the midwest, not a bunch of beautiful gym bodies.

Objectively speaking I suppose I’m cute, but I’m definitely not a traditional hottie. I’m almost 6’ 3”, about 150 pounds, wear glasses, and I'm kind of nerdy. Basically I look like an overgrown Harry Potter. But I think I’m pretty interesting. I’m educated, well-read, interested in everything from politics to pop music, and I’m a good conversationalist. I'm pretty sure that if I could get a guy to give me a chance he’d find out I have a lot to offer, but I feel like I’ll never get that chance competing against all the hot bodies in town.

I absolutely HATE working out, but I’m starting to think it’s a necessary evil if I want to meet guys. Do you think I should bite the bullet and get a gym membership? And what do you think about using steroids to speed up the process? I think I wouldn’t mind working out so much if I saw results more quickly.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

— Harry Potter in a He-Man World, Boston

Dear Harry — Why not just tell guys you have a huge “sorceror’s stone” and offer to fill up their “goblet of fire” with it? Sorry, not one of Spike’s better opening lines, but he’s a bit delirious having spent the last few days devouring the final installment in the Potter series. That Rowling woman is a wonderful writer but has she never heard of an editor? 759 pages? Spike hasn’t read that much since his Aunt Clamydia gave him the complete Hardy Boys collection for his 12th birthday and he spent a whole week fruitlessly searching for the parts where Joe and Frank take their “brotherly love” to the next level.

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Posted by Spike at 05:36 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — My boyfriend Joey and I have been together for almost 5 years. In most ways he is a gentle, sweet, and caring person. He gives generously to several charities, works in social services, and is always kind to people he meets. But the things that come out of his mouth behind people’s backs or out of earshot astound me. We can’t go anywhere without him making constant comments to me about the people around us. We’ll pass by a heavy blond woman with big breasts and he’ll say something like, “Hey Anna Nicole, shouldn’t you be babysitting a dying husband somewhere?” Or we’ll see a guy in a wheelchair and he’ll say “I didn’t know the Special Olympics were in town.” And when he’s with his friends it’s even worse.

Joey comes from a large Italian-Puerto Rican family in the Bronx and they’re all the same way. Whenever they get together it’s a constant barrage of insults between the 4 brothers and 3 sisters about who’s gained the most weight, who’s lost the most hair, even about the brother whose wife left him for another woman. It’s like nothing is off limits. I guess making fun of people is just normal for them.

I just wasn’t raised that way. My parents taught us that people who mock others do it out of insecurity to make themselves feel better. We definitely followed the Thumper Family motto from “Bambi”: “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.”

I’m not sure what to do. I’ve already mentioned that it makes me uncomfortable numerous times but it’s like Joey has Tourette’s Syndrome and just can’t stop himself from saying unkind things. It’s getting to the point where I just don’t think I can take it any more. How do I make him understand how serious this is to me?

— Richard, Cambridge, MA

Dear Richard — Let Spike guess: were you an only child by any chance? Of course Spike thinks it’s WONDERFUL that your parents raised you with such strong values about kindness and civility, and he’s sure that you were the shining star of your class at the Montessori School and that the bag guy at Whole Foods thinks you’re just swell when you help him bag your groceries because you feel guilty that a Mexican has to do it. And he’s also pretty sure that behind your back everyone you know calls you “Princess.”

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Posted by Spike at 05:08 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — In general I think you’re an arch, bitchy, misogynistic queen, but you also seem pretty sensible so I’ve decided to swallow my pride and ask for your advice.

My girlfriend, Mimi, and I have been together for 7 years and living together for 6 (so there, smart ass; proof that not all lesbians move in together on the second date). The relationship itself is great and we’re in the process of buying our first condo together. The problem is Mimi’s parents. As far as they’re concerned I don’t exist.

It’s not a homophobia thing. Mimi’s sister is also a lesbian and her parents seem to adore her sister’s partner. They just don’t like me. Now admittedly I’m no lipstick lesbian (or even a nondescript one like Mimi, her sister, and her sister’s girlfriend). I'm sure most people look at me and immediately think “DYKE." And I’m a pretty direct, shoot-from-the-hip kind of gal, which I know some people find abrasive. But so far as I can remember I’ve never said or done anything specifically to offend Mimi’s parents. I also happen to be extremely well educated and cultured so it’s not like I’m trailer trash.

I’ve given up on ever being friends with Mimi’s parents, but I’d like them to at least be civil toward me. This past weekend we all went condo-hunting together, and aside from the fact that they never spoke a word to me, when I dropped something in the backseat and leaned down to pick it up her father took the opportunity to elbow me in the head...and didn’t even acknowledge it or apologize.

For her part, Mimi seems oblivious to the whole thing. Either she just doesn’t notice or she refuses to acknowledge that her parents treat me like shit.

I’ve had it with the whole situation. If it were just about me I’d never step foot in the same room with her parents again. But since we’re a couple and I don’t want to turn Mimi against her parents I feel like I should give it one last shot to develop some kind of tolerable relationships with these assholes.

What do you suggest? Should I invite them to lunch and ask them why they hate me? Or start putting ribbons in my hair and wearing Laura Ashley gowns every time I see them? Even though you’re a precious little queen any advice you can offer would be appreciated.

— Redheaded Stepchild, Jamaica Plain, MA

Dear Stepchild — Your girlfriend is named Mimi? What did you expect? The kinds of uptight, suburban WASPs who name their daughter Mimi want no truck with an edgy, robust dyke such as yourself. They like their lesbians demure, genteel, and subtle. They want a daughter-in-law like Dusty Springfield, not Joan Jett.

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Posted by Spike at 09:51 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — After I graduated from college six years ago I moved in with my parents and started working at a bank in my hometown. It’s the kind of town where the opening of the “99” was the biggest thing that had happened in years. In other words, nothing happens there. It’s like taking a trip back in time to Mayberry or something.

At the time I was all YFAG (Young, Fabulous And Gay) and most people in town looked at me with my funky glasses and bleached hair like I had two heads. There was one other person at the bank, though, (I’ll call her Faith) who seemed like she was on the same wave length. She was a few years older, but she always dressed in cool retro clothes and tinted her hair electric colors. Since we were the only two misfits in town, we began hanging out. At the time I still wasn’t legal so she’d invite me over sometimes for drinks. Mostly, though, we just sat around drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and making fun of all the customers and people we worked with. Since there was nothing else going on in my life at the time it was kind of fun. At least it helped pass the hours of tedium.

We worked together for about a year and then she got a job at a different bank and I turned 21 and starting heading into the city to gay bars at night. We didn’t see each other as much, but we still talked every day. A few months later I met a guy and we bought a house together and Faith got married. We still talked a lot, but we only got together once every few months. We both had other priorities and I assumed that eventally our relationship would just die out. That seemed to be the case as our conversations dwindled down to about once a month.

Flash forward 4 years: I’m no longer with the same guy but I’m in an amazing relationship, have a good job, and a great house. Faith is divorced, working the same job, and living in the same town. And she’s started calling me again every day. Most of the time I just let it go through to voicemail, but occasionally I feel guilty and answer and she just starts blabbing away like it’s still 2001 and we’re still best buddies working at the bank.

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings because she’s a very nice person, but I don’t want to encourage her either. I have no interest in rekindling our relationship. I’m not even sure I ever really considered her a friend. It’s kind of cruel to say, but she was just all there was at the time. But that time is long gone and I don’t feel the need to relive our experiences at the bank every time we talk.

Faith seems like she’s stuck in a time warp. When she was married she became all normal. She started dressing like a married suburban woman in her thirties. Now she’s back in her retro duds with her magenta hair and what once seemed interesting and quirky now seems like a tired schtick. And when she talks about herself she still seems to think that she’s wacky and different from everyone else, yet she’s hanging out in the same town with the same people in the same job, and her best friend is her mom.

What should I do? Should I just keep ignoring her as much as possible and hope she’ll move on, or should I do an “intervention” and talk to her about the fact that she’s trying to relive past glories? Actually I don’t even want to do that. That would be opening up a whole can of worms and I just don’t feel enough of a connection to her to get that involved in her life. So what do you suggest?

— Happily Moved On, Newton, MA

Dear Happily — This certainly seems like a serious situation and Spike thinks that drastic measures are required. He prescribes a “Ringwald Intervention.” Invite Faith over to your house for movie night to watch all of the mid-late-80s John Hughes oeuvre (excluding anything with Macauley Culkin). Then halfway through “Pretty In Pink,” turn to her and casually remark, “Did I ever tell you how much you remind me of Duckie?” If a comparison to circa-1986 Jon Cryer doesn’t shock her back to the present then Spike doesn’t know what will.

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Posted by Spike at 09:47 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’m a 67-year-old gay man living in Boston. Yes, I know that the gay community would prefer to believe that we don’t exist, but there are a lot of us “mature” gay gentlemen around. In fact I’m part of a group called the Prime Timers that was started in Boston which now has 66 chapters in the United States and around the world. The Prime Timers is a social and recreational organization for older gay and bi-sexual men and the younger men who appreciate us.

Last night was our monthly dinner. In this case, it happened to be at a gay-owned and operated restaurant that also has a large cocktail lounge. I won’t say the name because I don’t want to sully the reputation of the establishment because of the actions of some of its patrons. In fact the staff of the restaurant was extremely welcoming and we had a wonderful time.

Prior to dinner we had a cocktail hour in the lounge. I was one of the first to arrive which gave me an opportunity to watch the reactions of the other patrons. As usual, when I walked in the younger men took a quick look at me then turned away and went back to their conversations, apparently deciding I could be safely ignored. As more of us began to arrive, however, I noticed the level of conversation began to drop and the other patrons began nervously stealing glances at us. Then they began whispering and snickering in small groups. Finally they began making louder comments as though we couldn’t possibly hear them because obviously we must all be hearing impaired. I overheard one patron (who frankly wasn’t exactly a spring chicken himself) say that it looked like an interview group for Jack Kevorkian’s next patient. I’ll admit that that was somewhat witty, but it was still mean-spirited and unwarranted. It’s not like we rolled into the places like an armada in our wheelchairs with tubes hanging out of our noses. In fact, most of us are quite ambulatory, thank you very much. And this kind of behavior wasn’t an isolated incident. The same thing happens every time we hold an event in a gay establishment.

The male patrons react to us like they’re seeing the spector of death and it makes them very uncomfortable (I should note that lesbians don’t have this same reaction). They try to ignore us, and when that fails they begin to make jokes at our expense. This doesn’t happen when we go to “straight” restaurants. There the other patrons react to us like they would any other group. They may be a little annoyed at the amount of space we take up in the bar before we’re seated for dinner, but there’s no special animosity because of our ages.

I just don’t understand it and it makes me angry. Are we as gay men supposed to die at the age of 50, or be locked away in closets or shipped off to institutions like some embarrasing family secret? Our generation is the one that stood up to the police at Stonewall. We’re the ones who first brought the battle for gay rights into the open and fought the most difficult skirmishes in that battle. The younger generations owe us a lot. If it weren’t for us they wouldn’t be able to hang out in gay bars without fear of arrest. They wouldn’t be able to walk down the street holding hands. They wouldn’t be able to get married and adopt children. And all we ask for in return is a little respect and to be treated with dignity.

I guess I’m not really looking for advice because I don’t know what could be done to make people more sensitive and thoughtful, but I just needed to vent. Getting old is difficult enough, but when you’re treated like a pariah by your own community for something which is natural and unavoidable and which will happen to everyone eventually (unless they die), it’s that much harder.

— Gray, Gay and Proud, Boston, MA

Dear Gray — Did you consider that maybe the reaction of the other patrons had nothing to do with your age, but rather with the mothball and linament odors being emitted by your group? That can be a pretty intoxicating brew...like a roomful of poppers. Perhaps they weren’t ignoring you and then making jokes about you. Perhaps they just fell into a stupor at first, and then as they revived they were just light-headed and giddy.

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Posted by Spike at 10:15 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Hey Spike Man — I really like your column. It cracks me up when you give people shit for their problems. I don’t really have a problem (at least not that I’m going to write to YOU about), but I wanted to get your opinion on something. This past weekend I went to my first Gay Pride and I was really disappointed. I’m a 17-year-old junior in high school and I just came out. All gay stuff is pretty new to me and I was really excited about Pride. I thought that I’d feel a real sense of community and that it would be some mind-blowing celebration of queerness. But it was just kind of dull.

In particular the parade was really boring. It was like most people didn’t put any thought into it at all. They just showed up and walked around carrying banners. The few floats were just like go-go boys on trucks. I thought gays were supposed to be really creative. I’ve been to Mardi Gras with my parents and that was awesome. It was obvious that the people put a lot of time and thought into costumes and floats and that they really wanted to entertain everyone. There was nothing entertaining about the Pride parade.

I stopped by the events on the Boston Common afterward and that was pretty dull, too. I just expected a lot more energy and festivity from the whole day.

Am I missing something? Did I maybe not go to the right events? Obviously I’m too young to go to the block party or any of the stuff in bars. What are your thoughts about Gay Pride? To me it just seemed like a lot of nothing special.

— Young Queer, Wellesley, MA

Dear Young — Sorry Virginia, but there reallly is NO Santa Claus. Contrary to what you may have seen on HG-TV, not all gay men are effortlessly creative nor have the natural ability to throw a fabulous event at the drop of a sequined glove...and, of course, we would NEVER count on lesbians for such things. And while he’s at it—since you’re clearly naive and grew up in Wellesley—Spike should probably also tell you that we don’t all have style (Carson Kressley looks like a bag of Skittles threw up on him), not all black people can dance (trust Spike: if you saw his best friend shaking his groove thang out on the floor you’d probably try to wrestle him to the ground and shove a phenobarbitol down his throat), and not all Asians are good at math (though that driving stereotype may well be true since Spike has yet to see a Chinese NASCAR driver).

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Posted by Spike at 09:15 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — HELP! I think my partner is turning into a drag queen! Not seriously, but for as long as we’ve been together (coming up on 8 years), every Halloween Ken and his two closest friends have dressed in drag. They’ve been the Supremes (and you can imagine how much they argued over who was going to be Diana Ross), Charlie’s Angels (ditto Farrah Fawcett), Destiny’s Child (ditto Beyonce), Salt n Pepa with Spinderella (no fights on that one), Xena triplets, former first ladies, etc...and each year the preparations start earlier and earlier. The first few years they started planning in early October, then it moved to Labor Day, then the 4th of July, and now, much to my horror, they were talking about it at our annual Memorial Day barbecue. It’s only May, for God’s Sake...and how many Dream Girls does one city need on Halloween night anyway?

I should tell you that Ken is 50 years old, 6’ 3” and 250 pounds. When he’s in drag he looks like George Foreman in a wig. No matter how much makeup and how many sequins he puts on he’s never going to look remotely like a woman, nor will any of his friends.

I just don’t get it. What’s attraction for a bunch of otherwise normal men to dress up like fat, ugly women every year? Is it all just harmless fun, or do you think Ken is suppressing transvestite tendencies and that he just uses Halloween as an excuse to indulge them? I wouldn’t mind if he alternated some non-drag costumes, but the fact that he never even considers dressing as a guy and that the costume planning is taking up more and more time (not to mention money) worries me. It seems to be becoming an obsession.

Do you think I have a reason to be worried, and if so, what should I do?

— Ricardo, Philadelphia

Dear Ricardo — Do you need to be worried? Gee, you have a 50-year-old boyfriend who still dresses up for Halloween. What do you think?

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Posted by Spike at 07:31 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I have a problem that I suspect isn’t all that uncommon, unfortunately. I’m a gay man in my late-40s who is single by choice. I’ve had relationships in the past (some short-lived and a few that lasted a while), but a few years ago I decided that I’m much happier on my own. I have a very satisfying and fulfilling life. Aside from my work (which takes up a lot of time), I volunteer with a children’s literacy group, belong to 2 book clubs, and spend a lot of time working in my garden. And then, of course, there my “children,” who are my pride and joy: my pomeranians, Barry, Robin and Maurice. Frankly, I just don’t feel like I want to make room for someone else in my life right now.

Being that I’m in my 40s, however, most of my contemporary friends are now part of couples, and therein lies the problem.

I long ago accepted that being single automatically excludes me from some couples-only activities like dinner parties and weekend getaways with my “married” friends, and I’m fine with that. I have no desire to be a third (or fifth or seventh) wheel anyway. But what pisses me off is the condescending attitude my coupled friends have toward me now.

Half of them seem to pity me because they think I’m single because I can’t find someone, and the other half who accept that I’m single by choice patronizingly suggest that I’ve made that choice only because I’ve never experienced the majesty of a love like their own.

So how do I tactfully but decisively let me friends know that I consider their attitudes offensive the next time one of them comments derisively on my single status? I know that they mean well and they really are wonderful people in all other respects so I don’t want to lose their friendships, but their insensitivity is really getting on my nerves.

— Single & Loving It in Leominster

Dear Single — Have you ever considered that your friends’ pity has nothing to do with you being single, but rather with that you live in Leominster, belong to 2 book clubs and named your rat-dogs after the Bee Gees? Spike feels pity toward you and he doesn’t even know you. Of course Spike feels that way about most people.

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Posted by Spike at 10:17 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I met my girlfriend 3 years ago at a lesbian softball tournament. One of the things that attracted me to her was how fit she was. She’s only 5’ 4”, but her body was absolutely amazing. She looked like Jada Pinkett Smith in the Matrix movies. I’m a very active person myself (I love going to the gym, running, hiking, playing softball, etc) so we were a perfect match.

Over the last year, however, she’s pretty much stopped all physical activity. She’ll go for a token run once every few weeks, but that’s it. When it started her excuse was that she’d just started a new job and it was mentally exhausting her. I was willing to buy that and cut her some slack for a while, but now she has the job stress under control and she’s still not exercising.

To be fair, it’s not like she just sits on the couch eating potato chips or anything, but all her activities are fairly sedate—shopping, gardening, trips to museums, etc...—and she’s been packing on the pounds. When I met her she weighed 102 lbs. Now she’s closing in on 170 lbs, and her once-tiny tush looks like a sofa cushion.

I don’t think it’s a result of depression. If anything, I think that maybe she’s too content and doesn’t feel the need to keep up her appearance anymore. It’s like she feels so comfortable in our relationship now that she’s letting out her inner fat girl.

I guess I should feel good that she’s that comfortable, but frankly I want my tiny amazon princess back. I miss the woman I first fell in love with. It’s not that I don’t still love her, but I just wish she’d make an effort to look good for me again. I always try to look my best for her and it just doesn’t seem fair.

How do I tactfully bring up my feelings without offending her? Or do you think I’m just being a shallow bitch?

— Marcy in Jamaica Plain

Dear Marcy — Your name is Marcy and you met your girlfriend at a lesbian softball tournament? You’re not dating Peppermint Patty by any chance, are you?

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Posted by Spike at 09:21 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — About a month ago I was at a local bar and a met a guy I’ll call Larry. At first I wasn’t interested in him at all. For one thing, he’s only 5’ 1” (I’m just under 6’) and for another he’s too young (he’s 34, I’m almost 60), but the more we talked the more attracted I became to him. I found him charming in an odd sort of way. His conversation was peppered with non sequiters and random observations, and he seemed like he was on speed, but still, I found him refreshing, sincere and, as I said, charming. To make a long story short, we ended up spending the night together and had a terrific time.

The next morning he surprised me a little. He’d been carrying a duffel bag when we met, and as he was dressing he pulled 10 identical pairs of new white sweat socks out of the bag and proceeded to try several of them on. When I asked him why he had so many socks he explained that he had problems with his feet and that it was sort of a ritual for him to try on several pairs each morning until he found the ones that felt just right, and that he frequently changed his socks during the course of the day. I thought that was a little weird, but nothing that indicated he might be unbalanced.

Since then we’ve gotten together a few times a week and things were going fine. He’s extremely attentive and conversation is very easy, and the more time we’ve spent together the more he’s grew on me (so to speak). Then this past weekend things got very weird.

It started on Friday when he sent me an email with a link to his MySpace page. First of all, his profile said he was 28 and identified him as straight. Second of all his page was covered with images from Star Trek and pictures of Larry with larger black women. When I asked him about it, he explained that he really loves black women. He finds them attractive and feels most comfortable around them. He said that he identified himself as straight because it’s easier to meet women friends if they think he’s straight at first. The whole thing seemed strange to me, but I’m not part of the MySpace generation so I was willing to accept it as something I just didn’t understand.

But then on Saturday things turned ugly. Larry had told me that he really loves black music, particularly a lot of the older singers like Ella Fitzgerald and Sarah Vaughn, so when he asked me to go out to a music club with him in one of the sketchier parts of town I agreed, figuring it would be a small club that had jazz or blues performers. I thought it might be fun. Instead it was a hip-hop dance club.

It was awful. Aside from the fact that I felt out of place because of my age, Larry virtually abandonned me as soon as we got in the door. He’d stop by and say hello every 10 minutes or so when he came to the bar to get another drink, then he’d flit off again to talk and dance with a seemingly endless stream of black women. After an hour I decided I’d had enough and told Larry that I was leaving and that if he wanted his stuff from my car he’d have to come get it now.

As soon as we got outside Larry went into a rage. He accused me of not respecting him and of sabotaging his evening. He even accused me of still being in love with someone whom I’d dated briefly before him. It was a nonsensical rant and I turned away and headed for my car. Then he ran up behind me and pushed me. I turned around and pushed him back and we almost got into a fist fight, but finally I made it to my car and left.

When I got home I turned off my phone (Larry is prone to late-night calls) and went to bed. This morning there were 10 messages from Larry, each of them more desperate and apologetic than the last. He said that he has a drinking problem, and that when he has more than 2 beers he becomes irrational and paranoid. He also said that he loves me and is willing to change in order to keep me in his life.

I haven’t called him back yet because I’m not sure what to do. Am I kidding myself to think that he can really change? As I said, prior to last night things were fine. He was a little eccentric and had an off-kilter energy, but he was also very sweet and thoughtful. Am I making too much out of one bad night, especially given the fact that he admits he has a drinking problem? What should I do?

— Befuddled in Boston

Dear Befuddled — You couldn’t have taken that “to make a long story short” thing to heart when you wrote the rest of your letter? Jesus, Spike feels like he just sat through a reading of “The Odyssey” by a stutterer. Keep telling stories like that and you won’t have to worry about dumping Larry. He’ll chew his own arm off to get away.

Now let’s see if Spike has this straight: You’re wondering whether you should continue to date an angry, bisexual, alcoholic, Trekkie midget who wishes he was a black woman and carries around a bag of white socks? What’s the matter, you couldn’t find a guy with bleeding rectal warts, too?

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Posted by Spike at 10:25 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — This past weekend I was at a local grocery store. In front of me in the checkout line were two girls in their mid-teens. After they emptied their cart they left it blocking the aisle, preventing me from moving forward and unloading my own cart. After waiting a few moments to see if they would extend this courtesy to me, I pushed their cart forward a foot. At that point one of the girls turned to me and said, “If that had hit me I’d have come back there and beat your ass.”

I was stunned. Not only was I surprised that the girl had interpreted my move as aggressive, but I was completely shocked that a young woman would speak to me like that. I’m a 55-year-old man.

Although I was angry I decided to ignore the girl. Then she and her friend began commenting on the items in my carriage, noting that I had a large number of Lean Cuisines. Then the girl said, very loudly, “I bet he’s a faggot.” I wanted to say something or slap her across the face, but instead held my tongue and ignored them until they were gone. I knew that if I spoke up things would only escalate and that if I made any sort of move to physically discipline the girl I would be the one who ended up in jail.

The whole experience really left me feeling rattled and a little humiliated. I felt like I was back in grammar school being bullied on the playground. I just can’t believe that this sort of behavior is acceptable among today’s teenagers. Since when are adults not figures of authority?

What should I do if I ever find myself in a similar situation again?

— Dismayed in Dorchester

Dear Dismayed — You got verbally bitch-slapped by a teenage girl and you feel only “a little humiliated?” What would it take to make you feel completely humiliated? Being robbed and beaten by a gang of kindergarteners? Where’s your dignity, man?

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Posted by Spike at 01:31 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — My best friend is prone to very strong opinions. When he likes something he REALLY likes it, and when he dislikes something he HATES it. And he’s equally strident in his feelings about people. It seems like he’s always feuding with one person or another.

By comparison I’m very moderate, particularly when it comes to disliking people. For me to hate someone they have to do something pretty bad to me or someone I care about. Most of the people my friend hates are people I have no particular feelings about one way or the other. A few of them are annoying, and a few I kind of like, but for the most part I don’t have strong feelings. I could take them or leave them. My friend, however, seems to feel that if I don’t share his opinions about people then I’m being disloyal to him, so I find myself agreeing with him just to keep the peace.

I’m not quite sure what to do. Should I be honest when I disagree with him or when I don’t have a strong feeling about someone, or am I obligated to side with him in his feuds because that’s what friendship is all about?

— Brad in Chicago

Dear Brad — Not only are you obligated to side with him in his feuds, but you are also obligated to share his exact tastes in food, movies, TV shows, music, politics, clothes, and home furnishings.

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Posted by Spike at 07:44 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’m a 50-year-old married man with two grown sons who also happens to be gay. I guess I have sort of a dual life. I have my comfortable life in the suburbs with my wife and one of my sons (who we can’t seem to get out of the house), and then I have my life with my gay friends, going out to dinner and for drinks, or to an occasional party or night at the clubs. It’s not something my wife and I have ever talked about, but I think that on some level she knows. She never pries into what I’m doing on the nights I’m “working late” and I take care not to bring my obviously gay friends around the house. I should also mention that I’ve never cheated on her. Although I’m gay, I love my wife and I take my commitment to her very seriously.

Here’s my problem. The other night a friend and I went to a gay bar in the city and I saw my next door neighbor...and he saw me. Needless to say I was flustered and left immediately without talking to him. He’s in his mid-40s and lives alone. I suspected he was gay before, but now obviously I’m sure.

My neighbor and I have a cordial relationship, but we’re certainly not friends. Just the sort of thing where if we’re both out in our yards we’ll chat for a few minutes. He seems like a nice guy, though, and he’s a great neighbor. His house and yard are always well tended, he doesn’t throw loud parties, and he even makes sure the storm drains near our houses are clear after it snows or during heavy rain.

Since I saw him, however, I’ve been paranoid that he might say something to my wife or son or one of our other neighbors. Logically I know there’s no reason why he would, but since I don’t know him very well I can’t be sure.

How should I broach the subject with him? On some level I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain myself to him, but I also feel compelled to let him know that I’m not cheating on my wife for her sake. I don’t want him thinking that she’s being cuckholded. Or do you think I should just say nothing and assume that he’ll be discreet enough not to say anything to anyone?

— Closeted Hubby, Metrowest, MA

Dear Closeted — Spike suggests that you go to his house immediately....with $100,000 in small, unmarked bills. And be sure to give him Spike’s address so he can send Spike his “finder’s fee.”

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Posted by Spike at 09:31 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Readers — Fortunately for us all, onlineoffbeat.com has found a new sponsor who appreciates the frank nature of Spike’s column, and so we bid goodbye and good riddance to Randy’s Auto Parts and Buffalo Wing Emporium and extend a hearty welcome to Hildegaard’s House of Lube, located just off the I-190 in Bethesda. We look forward to many years of happy collaboration with Hildegaard. And to all Spike’s dear readers (both of you), be sure to stop by Hildegaard’s when you’re in the area!

Anyway, onto the column...

Dear Spike — About 6 months ago I answered an online ad from a married guy who was looking for a blow job. It turned out he was really hot and he apparently liked the service I provided so we decided to meet again and it turned into a regular thing. Once a week he’d stop by on his way home from work for a little man-on-man action and I’d take care of him. But that’s as far as it went at first.

Then about 3 months ago his family went on vacation and he surprised me by inviting me out for drinks and dinner. We had a great time together and he ended up spending the night. He also fucked me for the first time that night.

Since then we’ve continued to get together for our weekly sessions and occasionally for a night out when he can get away. Now he even kisses me and he’s jerked me off a few times, though he says he’s not ready to do any more than that yet.

He’s a really great guy. Very handsome and charming, very sexy, very hung, and smart to boot. He’s an absolute dream and I’ve fallen in love with him. Now I’m not sure what to do.

Should I tell him how I feel in hopes that maybe he feels the same way and would be willing to take things to another level, or should I just keep my mouth shut, so to speak, and keep on with the way things are? I’m afraid that if I scare him he might stop our weekly get-togethers and then I’ll lose out on some really hot sex.

Thanks.

— The Other (Wo)Man, Braintree, MA

Dear Other — Ho says what? Gee, it must really suck being you. Almost as much as say....oh, maybe being your fuck buddy’s wife?

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Posted by Spike at 09:00 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the [EDIT] President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Readers — Welcome to the new, kinder, gentler era of Spike. In response to a threatened drop by the site’s one and only sponsor, Randy’s Auto Parts and Buffalo Wing Emporium, the mother[EDIT] publisher has asked Spike to tone down the use of “rough language, unnecessary vulgarity, graphic sexual content, and references to alcohol and drug use” in his columns. And so, in an effort to be a good team player, we shall try to be accommodating.

Unfortunately, this column was already written, and since Spike has far more important things to do with his time than than rewrite [EDIT] that he’s already written once, he’s chosen to simply mark potentially offensive content with [EDIT]. — Spike

Dear Spike — I really need some advice. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months. At first he seemed completely normal, but about a month ago he started to get really [EDIT]. Now, every time we’re in bed he tries to stick a [EDIT] in my [EDIT]. It’s not that it hurts or anything, but it makes me kind of uncomfortable because it’s really slimy. It feels like a giant [EDIT] and I’m getting pretty grossed out.

Have you ever come across anything like this before? How do I tell him without hurting his feelings that his [EDIT] is making me sick?

— Jeremy in Witchita, KS

Dear Jeremy — Spike can certainly understand your discomfort. Sticking a [EDIT] in a [EDIT] is kind of like [EDIT] a [EDIT] in a [EDIT]. A proper lady would never do such a thing. Particularly because the seeds, crust and rhinestones get all over the silk sheets.

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Posted by Spike at 10:14 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’ve gotten myself into a situation I don’t know how to get out of. Back when I first started dating my boyfriend I had a one night drunken fling with a guy I met while I was traveling. I’d only been dating my boyfriend for a few weeks at that point and technically we’d never made any kind of commitment to one another so I never said anything about it. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now and I haven’t been with another guy since that time.

Last week I started having a burning sensation whenever I urinated and there was some discharge so I went to my doctor figuring it was some sort of bacterial infection. Instead I found out I had syphilis. Since I knew I hadn’t been with anyone else I asked my boyfriend and he broke down and admitted that he’d cheated on me the week before. He said it was the only time it had ever happened and I believe him.

So here’s where the problem comes in. He was absolutely wracked with guilt. He kept breaking into tears and pleading with me not to leave him. To me it was actually no big deal. I wasn’t happy about it, but I wasn’t all that upset either. It didn’t make me question whether he loved me. Anyway, he was so upset that finally I decided to tell him about my fling in hopes that it would make him feel better to know that I’d also had one indiscretion.

It was like someone threw a switch. He went from tears to complete rage in a half second. He accused me of being a liar and said he couldn’t understand how I could have done that and not told him. He said our entire relationship was built on a lie.

Logically I know that this is all screwed up, that we’re guilty of the exact same thing, but now I’m on the defensive. He questions me about everything and wants to know in detail where I am every minute of the day. He says that I’m going to have to earn his trust all over again.

I really love him and want to work this out. What can I do to restore his trust and bring things back to where they were?

— Phil B., Cambridge, MA

Dear Phil — You narc-ed yourself out for a petty, 4-year-old one-nighter to make your boyfriend feel better about CHEATING ON YOU AND GIVING YOU A VENEREAL DISEASE? Wow. Did you also write an apology letter to the priest who molested you when you were six because you were wearing those provocative Spider-Man Underoos that one time at sleepover camp? Congratulations, Phil. You are officially the stupidest person ever to write Spike a letter...and probably the stupidest even capable of writing a letter at all.

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Posted by Spike at 11:22 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’m in a really difficult situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years, since our sophomore year at college. Over the holidays we got engaged and we’re planning to be married in August. I love her with all my heart. She’s my best friend and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But over the last two years I’ve come to realize that I’m gay (or at least I’ve finally admitted it to myself).

I’m not sure what to do. I love her and the thought of not having her in my life is unbearable. Part of me just wants to say nothing and go ahead with the marriage as planned, but another part of me feels like it would be unethical to hide my feelings for men from her. I’m afraid that if I tell her the truth about my sexuality, though, she’ll feel like I’ve been misleading her and I’ll lose her.

What do you think I should do? And do you think I’m kidding myself to think that it’s possible for a gay man and a straight woman to have a happy marriage?

— Confused in Seattle

Dear Confused — Spike thinks it’s absolutely possible for a gay man and a straight woman to have a happy marriage. Just ask Liza Minelli.

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Posted by Spike at 08:51 AM